You don't need to be brave and strong. You are brave and strong. You've already been dealing with a shitty disrespectful boyfriend who gaslights you and treats you like crap for years. That takes a tremendous amount of strength.

I really recommend getting some solo counselling. A lot of the world you've existed in for the last several years is now being seen from a new perspective with new information, and making that kind of a mental shift and internalizing that new knowledge can be difficult. Even if you just go a few times to talk it all out I bet it would feel good to just get it all out there without having to worry about what the other person will think about you.