Boyfriend [33m] has control issues in the house, sometimes using physical force on me [25F]

I think you've heard enough about how him laying hands on you is never ok and could potentially escalate into a much more serious situation that you should probably remove yourself from as soon as possible. I also recognize that you probably aren't super jazzed about that idea so here's my advice if this is a relationship you want to stay in.

Number one: You need to have a conversation about the times he has gotten physical out of anger in the past and set boundaries. Tell him he is not allowed, under any circumstances, to try to physically restrain you from doing things that he feels you shouldn't be doing. He is welcome to voice his opinion but grabbing, hitting, pushing, etc. are not ok and if he does one of those again you will leave. And you need to mean it. And if he does it again then you leave.

Number two: you need to have a conversation about it being a shared home and not "his house that you live in". For perspective, when my girlfriend and I first moved in together she came to live with me in my apartment while we looked for a new one to share. I had a one bedroom on my university campus that I shared with a roommate who wasn't around much, so it was close quarters and tense most of the time. I had a difficult time reconciling that the space was no longer "my space" and the things were no longer "my things". I invited her to live with me so it was our shared home and our shared stuff and I couldn't insist on all of it remaining exactly as I liked it. We struggled for a while, that was the hardest point in our relationship I think, and it has gotten much better since we've gotten a place of our own and worked together to make it "our home". I'm less uptight about how things are and because she is better off money-wise than I am the balance of possessions has sort of tipped so that most of the "stuff" was purchased by her and I don't feel as stressed about how it's set up and used.

You and your boyfriend need to understand that the space is a shared space, the items shared items. Even if he is the breadwinner, you guys are building a home together and he can't hold it over your head that he purchased most of the things, and you can't feel guilty about that. He needs to understand that he has to loosen up about your presence in a place that was once just his and that there are more productive ways to address it when he doesn't like the way you are doing something. He can offer tips to try and improve the way you clean and he can request that you keep things a certain way to appease him and his apparently very specific comfort level but he also needs to decide what things are worth making a big deal out of, such as the way you wash dishes or clean the house vs. how he prefers to do it. Those things are not a big deal and it benefits neither of you for him to get worked up over them.

So you need to stand up for yourself and you both need to get better at communicating how you would like to divide household things. You aren't a toddler and he doesn't get to treat you like you're going to destroy the whole house if you are left alone to do chores in it. You need to make it clear that he can't be that controlling about the things and spaces you share because it makes you feel unwelcome and on edge about how he will react.

In my opinion, he needs to change his behavior but you also need to be willing to stand up for yourself and not roll over to his whims if you aren't hurting anyone with the things you do and the way you do them. If he doesn't change then you need to really consider if someone who behaves that way is someone you want to be with and if it's not then you need to be brave enough to leave.

/r/relationships Thread