I am going to give you some background information in this post so I don't get some generic advice like go out with friends/meet new people/etc. and so people can maybe understand the kind of person I am, rather than just some average girl going through an average break up. Everything below is about me.
I started college in 2011. I came in with only one friend, my best friend since middle school. I used to have more friends, but they all kind of stopped being friends with me earlier that year when we were still in high school. That is a long story so I'm not going to go into it. I'm also really shy and kind of anti-social. I had been friends with those people for years, and suddenly they weren't there anymore and I didn't know how to make new friends, so the only person I talked to was the best friend. I was roommates with 2 people I didn't know and she was roommates with this very pretty, very rich, very smart, sorority-type girl. She talked to me about her all the time, and really admired her, I guess. Well soon she was very close to her roommate and was making other friends on her floor (they were all in a special bio program) and I met my boyfriend, and then we just stopped talking. So since then I basically had no friends except for my boyfriend. My boyfriend also had a lack of IRL friends.. most of them were online, and eventually he stopped talking to them too.
I have been depressed since around winter of 2011, my first semester of college. I guess it started because I realized I was going to fail some of my classes and I've never failed a class before. I knew I would be in huge trouble with my parents and I was really mad at myself for screwing up so badly. I was failing because I barely attended any my classes after I met my boyfriend (around october). We just spent every day together in our dorms and played LoL all day.
I am a lazy person and it was hard enough for me to get up in the morning to go to class. When I started spending time with him, I had even less motivation to go to class, even when I knew I was starting to fail them. Then it was too late and I thought well there's no way I'm going to pass the class at this point so why bother trying to catch up. The same thing was actually happening to him.So we were both lazy people who didnt go to class and played LoL all day.
So basically I did pretty badly in university, and so did he. Then we ended up both taking online classes so it'd be a little easier. I still have a long way to go, but he was supposed to finish this semester.
I saw a therapist over the summer of 2013, but stopped going because my parents were too busy to take me when school started again. I also started medication for my depression and am still on it. I thought I made some progress but now I feel like I'm just going to be useless and depressed all the time again.
Right now I only have 2 friends: one who I've known since high school and he has been a good friend to me throughout the years. the other is one who I met online. he lives in Cali and I've been friends with him for about 2 years. I never go out, I don't have a car or my license yet, I don't really like talking to people anyways because of what happened in high school. I'm pretty cynical of everyone and everything and don't want to waste my time trying to make "friends."
So you can see how isolated I've been for the past 3 years. My boyfriend was the only person I talked to every single day, and I only went out when it was with him, and we both related to each other. Things weren't always perfect and honestly it's been pretty not-great for a while now but I didn't want to break up with him over it. I thought things would change over time, but suddenly this happened and I'm stuck here wondering... what did I do wrong, why didn't I break up with him first.. why didn't I see this coming... what am I supposed to do now.. my life is basically meaningless. honestly we were both crappy people and now I don't know how to get on with my life.
I have no social skills, no goals or ambitions, no real interests or talent. I screwed everything up in my first semester of college. I never experienced actual college life. meeting new people, parties, drinking, social events. I didn't do any of that. Sometimes I wish I had friends, like actual girl friends, but then I remember how much I really don't like people and how everyone can be a huge bitch, including myself, and nobody would want to be friends with me anyways.
I'm sorry I feel like a lot of this information is irrelevant to the actual breakup and damn I wrote a lot. I don't even know what I expect from posting this. Any advice I get isn't really going to make me feel better. Everyone can tell me "he didn't deserve you" "good riddance" "you deserve better" "do something to take up your time". Yes I'm mad at him because of the way this all went, and I'm sad because I feel like the past 3 years have been totally pointless and a huge mistake. I've never been broken up with before. I've been the one to break up with my (3) exes, and never really felt horrible afterwards. I guess now I know how they felt. my eyes are red and my neck/throat are sore from crying last night and this afternoon. sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness. that's all I'm feeling right now. and I wish it would just go away.
thank you for reading.