We've loved eachother romantically for more than two years, and we dated for more than one. That time was incredible and we both acknowledge that, in her own words, yesterday: "You have to understand that that you'll always be my first love, my first boyfriend, nothing will be like you". In over two years, I was the perfect boyfriend and she was the perfect girlfriend, we barely made any mistakes and were just so happy together. But we broke up like two weeks ago. Here's why she broke up tho

It started as just taking a break, since we're both really young and wanted to stay together for as long as possible. She's 17, I'm 19. But with time... we broke up. Every tine I asked(I know I shouldn't have), there were more reasons, so here's all of them. Fist of all, she's still in high school and I'm getting into college soon. She told me she was confused about her feelings for a guy on her school, and she's been doing that since we took that break. More recently she said: "Yes, I'm liking him, but I really don't love him. I love you". She always told me she's not monogamous and we always considered to open the relatonship. She was also afraid of emotional dependency on both sides. On her side, she felt like she wasn't growing up because she always wanted to rely on my protection and help for things, and I'd gladly do. Not that she wouldn't do anything without me anymore, but for the most part she didn't feel safe without me. On my side, well, since I graduated from high school I've been depressed. Most of my friends left and due to the lockdown I barely met any new people. She felt like she had to take care of me and even though she didn't, she felt guilty for not being enough to do so. She also said that her passion for me had ended and she felt bad about it. As we know, passion and love are different things. So, even after we broke up, we wanted a good one, she said we'd stay friends and that she still loved me and was attracted, which was confusing. So I thought we'd be some type of romantically involved FWB, like we were in the beginning. Then, one day the other week we ended up having sex. It was absolutely normal just like any time we have had before, until she stopped it and said "hey, we can't do this". That was confusing for me because we still cuddled, had those really sticky hugs and slept together. Well, I forgot to tell that basically I've been a really shitty ex ever since. I've threatened to kill myself(I actually wanted to, didn't do it for the manipulation), begged, asked if she still loved me, talked about the future we would've had together, cried, talked about the breakup with her. And that exact same day we slept together and stopped sex, I picked her phone in the middle of the night. I never planned to do that, it was just 4 am, I looked at her sleeping and remembered the old days, so I felt bad and imagined "what if she's doing this just to prevent me from hurting myself, or just not to disappoint me at all?". And I looked at what she was saying about this situation with her friends. She told them that she really loved me and thought I was a really special person, but that she thought that she was liking that guy from her school. Yes, that's the same thing as being confused, but that's a whole different way of saying it. Yes, she still said "I don't want anything with [the guy]", but anyway. Then I talked about it with her and it really hurt her trust(obviously). We argued. I threatened to kill myself again. I did everything. I scared her. Then I wanted to be forgiven, and begged for it, asked for a second chance, did all the things you'll see on "what you shouldn't do after a break up". She still wanted to be friends, still wanted cuddle, still said she loved me. Later on, she stopped saying she was confused and told me that yes, she liked him. Still said she loved me. I kept wanting her back, and she said "I love you, but not romantically anymore. Not like family or like any friend, I really do love you, but can't have romantic feelings anymore". She then kept reminding me, nearly every day that it was over and we couldn't come back together, sounded like convincing herself. She also says she feels guilty for breaking up and didn't actually want to do it, but she feels like it's the right choice. So I wrote letters, gave her flowers, did everything again. Kept loving me, still wanted to be around, kept telling me "I love you" every day, every night, kept thinking of cuddle. I don't understand this so I decided to go no contact from yesterday until a month or two have passed so we can recover and let the dust settle. I texted her one more time to tell her that I was going out with my best friend and finally feeling optimistic, accepting whatever destiny that may come to us.

Surprise: 13 hours in, in the middle of school she called me (just happened) "to see if everything is fine with me". She also texted me before sleep as we used to do when we dated, with a "good night, love you!" and other cute things. I don't understand this whole thing. I know I fucked up really hard, but even then she loves me and wants me in a really weird way. I know she's not being manipulative, in fact I was the one who did that (even if I didn't intend to). I can tell she's not lying, but I just don't understand it.

Thoughts?