In that moment I turned around and pretended like I didn’t see anything. It was the worst feeling in the world. The absolute fucking worst feeling. This girl that I’ve had a thing for, for so long, just running off into the bushes with another guy. It was so devastating for me, I felt like throwing up- I told her to leave the next day because I couldn’t handle it.
We call it one-itis because it's pathological and it hurts
Bronchitis and tendonitis are not how your lungs and elbows are supposed to be in a natural state.
They're inflammations.
Your role, as a male, is to be prolific.
When you aren't being prolific (which is almost always a result of male attainment insecurities), then all of the affection you have in order to give any number of girls (think about how much sperm your body produces - - this is how much our evolutionary history thinks you need in order to successfully reproduce!) gets concentrated into just one.
And all the affection and emotional investment that you should distribute among many, many women becomes focused into one.
If this were 50+ years ago, and you two were paired off as a loving couple at 18 (her) and 20 (you) and you could work a regular job and build a home and family (pick any other 'traditional society' you like), then it wouldn't be a problem.
That massive emotional investment would make you work like a dog to keep her happy and raise the kids, and she'd be shunned by everyone in society if she broke your trust.
It would work.
That is not the world you live in and she fucks around, and so do other girls.
Get that through your head now and early.
Or this situation:
Couldn’t help but develop feelings for her, she was awesome in pretty much every way, and I feel like her and I just really clicked. I never had the balls to make a move though because I didn’t want to tank the friendship, and to be honest, I was just terrified out of my mind.
will happen over and over and over again
I have seen men in the 40s going through this.
Luckily, you're already breaking the cycle, but your emotional abuse at the hands of an education and social system that wants you to be a good little beta producer:
I’m an asshole. The count is at around 120+ girls, but I do it out of contempt. I’ve become so jaded, and incapable of connection. This needs to stop ASAP
is only hurting you.
Notice, it is your emotional reaction to your circumstances causing you pain.
Not the circumstances.
would like to turn human again.
What are your hobbies?
Do you have pets?
How often do you talk to male friends and hang out only with other male friends?
What are your one month, six month, one year, five year goals?
Have you traveled?
Have you ever gone shooting? Cleaned a bolt carrier?
Have you ever been bird watching? Know how to look for warblers and orioles?
There's a massive world out there besides women, bud.
Keep enriching your own life, keep pursuing things which make you happy and enable you to pursue other things which make you happy.
Learn how to examine your own emotional content, and have some distance from your own emotional response to situations. Learn how to meditate.
Right now, you're just getting yourself down for no reason.