I'm not entirely sure how it started, but since I was a little kid there'd be a point where if I got angry enough I'd bite into my hand. I guess somehow I got some satisfaction out of the pressure.

But this went further and I'd start thinking aggressively about people if I got angry with them. Think "Saw" levels of violence.

Now please don't be alarmed. I'm not going to hurt anyone and I doubt I ever well. But it is uncomfortable for me that inwards I can think such dismal things when I doubt they're really warranted.

I mean, I suspect it's not uncommon for many people to fantasize about harming, or even killing someone who causes them particular upset (I mean, I doubt many people weren't satisfied with seeing Ramsay get eaten alive in Game of Thrones), but over the years I would could come up with fantasies of excessive pain, and eventually I'd find lesser and lesser nuisances would warrant it. Like, a child being stubborn.

At least 15 times I've gone on curbs where I try to resist this, try to ignore any frustration. Sometimes it lasts a week, once it lasted over half a year, but eventually something will frustrate me enough that I will lose any motivation to listen to reason, and be right back to square one. Another short curb ended today.

Sometimes I thought it'd work if I "weaned" myself off, and thought of people just being obnoxious, instead of getting hurt (I guess it's like when you mimic someone doing an annoying voice), but that would never last long and would just lead me back to thinking aggressively.

I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to train myself to drop this for good. I've thought about wearing rings on each finger, as a constant visual reminder, but I feel like I'd get funny looks for that. Should I just finally relent and meet with a therapist? I'm not sure I'm willing to tell a stranger what goes through my head. Also, I'm worried if they might think I'm a dangerous individual, which I'm not. I'm just very troubled by the things I think.