Can we have a dad-joke off?

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken conclusions: 1. he has to share the winnings with his friend Artie 50/50, and 2. His bitch of a wife ain't gonna let that happen. Paul decides to share this epiphany with Artie and the two of them sit down to figure out this problem, and after about a half hour the only conclusion that they can come to is Paul's Wife has got to go.

Artie being the good friend that he is tells Paul that he is willing to take care of the little problem himself, Artie never really liked Paul's wife anyway. But Artie being the legal genius that he is wants to have some assurance that Paul is still gonna follow through his side of the plan and wants a contract. Paul agrees and pulls out the only piece of paper in his wallet, a one dollar bill and "Pays" Artie to off his wife. And they come up with a plan.

40 min later the 2 of them drunkenly stumble through Paul's front door only to find Paul's wife up in the living room. She immediatly starts yelling "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" "WHY ARE YOU SO DRUNK?"...... on and on she yells until finishes with "WELL IF YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD BUDDYS THEN YOU CAN SLEEP TOGETHER FOR ALL I CARE!" and slams the door to the bedroom. They both look at each other, smirk, then immediately pass out on the couches.

The next day Paul awakes to find Artie gone, Artie knows better then to be found on the couch by Paul's wife in the morning. Paul wakes with the biggest hangover that he has EVER experienced, but Paul knows that this day is this is the first day of a new life for him. His wife of course is in her typical mood, but Paul placates her all day with "yes, dear", "Of course, Dear", "I'll get right on it Dear." All the while feeling like crap. That evening Paul puts his plan into motion and he begs his wife to go to the Safeway to pick up some pain killers and pepto for his still lingering hangover. Because he has been soo compliant all day his wife reluctantly goes. Little does she know this is the last shopping trip she will ever make. Paul quickly texts Artie "It's a go".

While Paul's wife is shopping in the Safeway Artie sneaks into the back seat of Paul's wife's Car and waits for her. When paul's wife finally gets done with the shopping and gets out to the car, Artie pops up from the hiding place and grabs her around the neck and starts choking her to death. At one point Artie thinks to himself this is taking way longer then it does in the movies. All the while she is violently twitching and struggling in the front seat. Eventually she succumbs to the strength Artie built up over all those years of construction labour.

Little does Artie know, but the store manager 35 year old Freddie has seen everything happen on the security cameras and has called the cops and ran outside to try to stop what Artie has done. Yet Freddie arrives just a little too late, in fact just as Artie is about to make his escape.

Artie, realizing that he has been seen by this guy running towards the car knows that he has to do something to get away, so he sprints to Freddie and with one swing knocks him out. Artie then full of fear and panic gets on top of Freddie and chokes him to death as well. Unfortunately for Artie and Paul this gives the police time to arrive and Arrest him.

The next day the paper lands on Paul's doorstep with the headline "Artie Chokes two for a dollar at Safeway"

/r/AskReddit Thread