This is my first proper reply to someone, and it will be a long one

My ex got married a few months ago, it was mostly long distance too, she told me she was pregnant a few days ago..

I grew up in a harsh family, harsh environment, I always was perceived as an emotionless person, I lived my whole life never caring for a soul, to the point where the person that scared me the most was me, cold, aggressive, heartless. I met her during my second year in uni, she was the first person to ever make me truly feel anything, she was my best friend, my family, I loved her more than words can ever describe, but I knew the minute she knew, she'd leave She was going through a lot when I first met her, I decided to just stay by her side, do everything in my power to make sure she was happy, I didn't do anything about it until it was too late, but I eventually did and she claimed she loved me too

We dated long distance for 6 months, during which she went through more pain and I once again just wanted to be there for her, even though I knew she'd eventually get married like her family wanted her to, and the thought of it slowly ate away at me each day, but making her laugh, seeing her smile, or the very few occasions I got to have her lay on my chest were more than enough reason to stay, she always said I was her best friend and for the most part, it was great.

she finally got married, in my mind I was still clinging to a dream that one day she'll come back, and I slowly recovered and started working on myself again. She texted me a few days ago, joking like nothing happened, and proceeded to casually tell me that she was pregnant. I asked her and pressed her about it, she told me she missed the friendship more than the relationship, I poured my heart out, her response was "I'm sorry, is there anything I can help you with", I realized there and then I never mattered to her, she moved on and I was nothing but a friend she pitted at best, and a placeholder at worst, before yesterday I never told her any of this, I played cool throughout the relationship, I didn't want to come off too strong, it was out of character for me.

I loved her more than she ever knew, I've never felt more broken, empty, like I'm drowning in my own self, she was everything I ever wanted but I was nothing but some guy she knew

The reply is a mess, because i truly don't know what I'm feeling anymore, I'm typing this because I feel your pain, and because I have no one to say this to just like you.