Longer answer than you asked for. But you seem to be doing ok right now, happy to hear, so I'll take the liberty.

If I could write a biography and you could read it, I'm convinced you would be convinced to ask for help. I'm really isolated socially sans my two brothers, an amazing brilliant girlfriend, and a couple of friends.

Okay so I'm not isolated anymore but I have been. I have spent my entire life afraid to ask people for help and it's only held me back. I'm so much happier and all I had to do was try to collaborate with other people, whether it's therapists, my brothers or friends both on and offline, to be happy.

I've never done cocaine but I have had a drinking problem before, used to smoke weed all day every day too. So I can't really empathize with you on the drugs on an honest level. Not gonna lie. I know what cocaine does though, it makes you love the wrong things in life. Almost all drugs do this, but cocaine really, really does it. Like I said, never done coke, but been around the stuff and known people who have blown five figures on it. You can't be rational and a regular cocaine user. In fact it's one of those drugs I will never try because it would possibly make me kill myself. I'm already manic enough as it is. Bipolar 1. And it's the combination of depression about life in general, combined with those grandiose mood swings that I know cocaine also gives people, that really can push ya over the edge.

But I won't judge you or talk to you about any substances. I'll just talk about what you want to talk about. This isn't referring to me specifically, but: If you make honest, regular attempts to communicate with people who know the actual details of your life, whether it's family, friends, 'net strangers, or shrink, you will see progress. Period. Every person I have met who has permanently gotten themselves out of suicidal ideas used this or some similar recipe.