I spent a good part of this afternoon thinking in the back of my head what to say to help you, or to give you some peace.

I cannot, as much as i would like to, there is nothing i could write to make you even remotely better.

But i do know something, that for sure there is plenty of people in your life who love you and are willing to help you on a long term emotional recovery. Those people are the ones that can really make a difference.

Also do not discard the idea of talking to a specialist. I was closed minded some years ago and absolutely refused to go to one, untill i had some serious problems with depression/anxiety because of something that happened to my family, at that point i agreed on going for therapy sessions and it helped me a ton.

(sorry in advance, not native english speaker)