I recently witnessed friends of me battling depression and sorrow because one of their friends had committed suicide. He hung himself after they had all been to the same party. Needless to say a lot of drama was involved and my two friends felt absolutely powerless and helpless. Responsible. Superflous; stupid. Angry and confused. Very angry. To see them trying to understand this and to be OK with this was horrifying.

The feeling that something is wrong is still there and if I feel this - me who only is connected by proxy - I don't want to imagine what they are feeling.

A couple of years earlier one of my friends died and we were all terribly sorry. He was very sad and had been his entire life. I remember seeing my friend placing a pack of cigarettes on his casket and there and then just breaking apart, a sudden cry launching out from his chest and this most harrowing sound escaped from his mouth. I don't think anything made my heart twist and burn as much as that moment did.

I few times in my life I had convinced people that life is worth living even though I can't convince myself for the love of life to live on. Once, my friend just ran out and got to about ten feet away before he started screaming in a fit of rage and falling to his knees. There he started crying and screaming "FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK CANT ANYONE FUCKING FUCKING HELP ME FUCK" etc. I was so powerless and I felt so useless. I wanted to die. Another time a girlfriend of one of my friends called in the middle of the night and cried, asking me to come over. I did and there my friend was with a rope hanging and ready to die. I wanted to die with him. But I took the rope from him and ended up talking throughout the entire night till morning. I also had a chat with the girl after my friend had fallen asleep. Then when I came home I cried and wanted to die.

A year back or so I helped someone on reddit; I wanted to save his life. I thought I didn't. Then not too long ago I found a PM in my box that said thank you, it was very elaborate and complex, a true follow-up, and he said that he was very grateful that someone somewhere at that time could just help out that little which I had; it truly saved his life and he was having a turn-around. I had thought over half a year that I failed and this made me amazingly happy.

My other friend who I saved is always glad to see me. I can't tell you exactly how but I can tell he respects me and would do anything after that conversation. Of course I've known him for half my life and we have a lot of conversations but true and genuine trust was established that day.

That friend who screamed and fell to his knee have also told me how lucky he was that I was there so he didn't do anything stupid. He told me being able to scream and that I was just there watching over him was one of the most relieving things in his entire life.

For many years I've wanted to die. I've felt so useless to people. I've thought that they would be better off without me. I thought my family and friends would recuperate and find peace even after my passing.

Oh was I so wrong. Am I still so wrong? Yes. I am going to do the most altruistic thing I can think of and live till I am entirely alone with no one - absolutely no one ever, not even remotely somewhere at the peripherals of my life - and then I will die. I will wait to kill myself until I am all alone, truly alone, and have done my best of the best to help and enjoy these people around me.

I have so many years to look forward to of interactions with people that are truly meaningful. They come at the most random times and you only realize they are meaningful years after. You are still young; give it a chance, and try to get the strength; for the sake of your loved ones.

Sincerely