my personal experience..

I went through some life changing events and abuse until adulthood which led me to find comfort in drugs.

my drug of choice was coke. yea i smoked and drank, who doesnt?

but i could never say no to at least a gram a night, sometime 9 grams in one night. being military and receiving benefits/health care for my disability, i realized it isnt worth suffering and losing the help i get because i recieved a felony drug charge.

it wasnt easy but i quit coke. Not because of the price but because of the extreme depression i was thrown into the next day. literally borderline ok with commiting suicide. all ti would have took was someone to say, "just do it".

years clean, i think about it time to time. Especially because i have to pick one side of my nose in order to breathe through it due to permanent damage.

so even though i quit for the sake of my monthly benefits and healthcare, that in itself became my curse.

The VA loves to through painkillers at anyone who knows how to play their games.

So of course i got hooked, faked this allergy and that allergy. Read up on symptoms of this and that drug until i got to morphine status.

Morphine was too intense and my mind was always in a guilt trip and got put on methadone.

the methadone, out the fear in me for many years not to mess with pills again.

but.. my condition..

i was scared into stopping the pill abuse but yet why do i take oxy even now?

my condition..

I would get my bottle, abuse it, then withdraw until the next month.

sometimes now it is had to control with all the emotional roller coasters.

but what ultimately has me staying strong and somewhat gaining control is that i have something to live for.

My new wife, our social life together (personal things we do together), and my future plans.

i still use what is prescribed to me but i am gaining control because i ahve something to live for.

My advise for you, find what you love to do. find what is you.

even if it takes a female to steal your heart.

the hard drugs, man, they are only lying to you and you know it.

its like a check cashing place, get your check early and pay them when the real paycheck comes but guess what?? oh interest! until you know it, you cant even pay back what you borrowed because theres more interest then there was loan.

dont go to the program becuase your family wants it.

dont go to work because that whats a functional society member does.

dont fake your piss test to live with strangers.

but do it because it will help you find what is to live for.

being in that mentality and full of the hard drugs is no different from being dead. In fact, it could be worse. i dont know why i felt compelled to write this, but, i really hope you pull through.

you wouldnt have written all this online if something inside you wasnt screaming for motivation.

just know, there isnt anything you cant do in life. only you stop you.