I don't know if you will read this (you deleted your account) but I think my ex felt the same for me. She seems to have moved on and is happier now, but she expressed this frustration once through reddit about me.
I withheld certain things from her because of past experiences I had when I told uncomfortable truths. The reaction I got at times really upset her and I hated to see how stressed out she became over things about other girls messaging me or medications I am taking on top of other physical issues I was having that stressed her out.
This ultimately stems from the lack of experience either of us had in handling these particular things. We actually managed 3.5 years together given all these new experiences we endured together. Being honest is by far the most crucial element in a relationship and once a lie has been made, that can manifest into a whole slew of issues, even if some of them aren't true themselves (basically you don't know what to believe in).
It sucks, and there is just nothing I can do about it no matter how hard I tried. If I had the experience to understand what my instincts felt were right, I would of understood the merit of being upforth about these things and being supportive to how she felt about them instead of avoiding it. Life is full of hardships and the concept of team begins with honesty, even if it's a hard truth and being there for her and her insecurity is what I HAD TO DO, instead of protect her from it (which is what I felt like I had to do).
I think what makes it extremely difficult is the fact that we were actually an happy couple that managed to do and achieve what most others may not. We have some really special moments together and we have moments were we grew together in hardship. Had we experienced these sort of things prior to meeting each other and understood how to handle them, we'd probably inseparable and very happy.
One lie or withheld truth becomes manifests into speculation about one's character and entire image. If he lied about this, what else did he lie about? Etc. It's insanely difficult to overcome that and overcome the idea that these things I withheld were really for good intention, not something I was hiding. What I hoped would happen was that she saw my actions both in the present then and in the past and saw my love and attention to detail for her not to mention sacrifice for her, us and our future together as a means to justify how much she truly meant to me.
She had never went through something like this and neither have I. I'm not sure what her take away on it is now, but I know for me, if things had been reversed, I'd give her another chance. I had always trusted her and never questioned things I often suspected because I felt that if I did my job as a boyfriend, I shouldn't have to worry. Even if things were the other way around, I know I would of had forgiven her. I would of saw the truth of what she said for what it was based off her actions and her smile towards me. It wouldn't just be a simple talk either, it would be a serious discussion and what could of been a growing moment between us that made us stronger, ended up being the death of our relationship. I wish she spoke to me about this, but like you said here, the lie manifested so badly that she began to think I was gas lighting her despite the fact that I was telling the truth. At that point, the cancer has taken over and there is nothing more you can do. You can ask her to reflect on my actions and behavior towards her but nothing will ever rid the idea of a lie that I blantanely made toward her.
Just the result of two individuals lacking experience and the communication needed to resolve this. I really wish this sort of life lesson was experienced with my ex previous to her because I really loved her. She was the love of my life and I devoted my time and effort around the clock not to her, but to US. She was so special to me and every memory we have together are the happiest memories I've ever had. Even the hardest parts of our relationships were special because were we would often fight or argue, we settled it fast, we reflected on what happened, we talked, we grew and we became stronger. There just isn't words to explain the deep connection I had for her and how much I really loved her and for me, just really isn't a women out there to fill what she was to me.
It's just ironic and idiotic to think I actually thought that this was an healthy to do. I withheld certain things to prevent problems only to realize that it destroyed the relationship. The worst part is, these were minor things like medications I was taking for a destroyed shoulder. She even asked and honestly, I lied about it. I didn't feel good about it, but my ego and pride felt that I had to reassure her that I was able to control and take care of myself because of the condition I was physically at the time (which stressed her out too). The truth is, I was (and still am) really struggling with my shoulder and until February of 2020 when I get the surgery, I have to wait and continue to embrace this horrible pain I have daily. It's a large reason as to why I put on weight in combination with the medicine and limited workouts that she grew concerned about.
The image that she made of me was the complete opposite of what I was trying to do. I felt instead of thought and I put our relationship before myself which ended up destroying it all together. The moral of the story, life lesson to be learned (the one that I wished happen in my previous ex to her) is that honesty is the entire foundation of a relationship. That being upfront about being physically weak and unable to do certain things and why my weight gain was happening was actually the strongest thing to do instead of lying about it and reassuring her that everything was fine. It's the idea that body and soul are connected and that being able to take care of your body and love it is a reflection of one's capability to love someone else's. I was trying to meet her standard knowing I physically couldn't of done it because of something that was holding me back and I couldn't accept the image of being perceived as weak or concerned about. This is something only experience can teach you. Being a man and being strong isn't just physically, its mentally and knowing how to identify what is making you weak and what you are capable of while being honest is seriously difficult to do.
I hope one day she can understand this perspective...I know in her mind it is safer to think that I am some cheating, lying pig and that I am some scumbag, but the sad truth is far from this. It's been 6 months since she ended things with me and I think about her and everything we had together and what went down every.single.day. I think about it religiously, I ask God for clarity and anything I can to simply help understand why and what this trial means for both of us.
So ya.. I hope this helps. I haven't told any of this to my ex because I know she won't care, but I am telling you, someone I have nothing to prove too (provided you even read it). It's a dire life lesson about love done wrong ha.