I thought it would go much better than it has. And that I would get to start over again essentially. I thought by now I'd be in a very different place. I was very high on that initial transition. I went so far as dropping my old life entirely and moving to a new city that I had never been to and where I had zero relations of any sort.

Suffice to say, none of the sort occurred. It has been almost two and a half years since I started HRT and two years since I fled my old life. It was and has been a pretty miserable experience overall. I am no closer to where I wanted to be from the very beginning and there is a creeping realization that even with my best efforts I probably won't get anywhere close to where I'd like to be.

The whole thing has taken a significant toll on me mentally to the point that I struggle with even the smallest things these days. Life feels like a ton of effort without any payoff. Given the chance to go back, I'd not transition. I've got one thing that keeps me going, though. So there's that.