the intimate things were mainly sharing fears and some feelings. he was mainly saying how he felt about me... i did call him darling few times. although i call all my friends that. maybe it made it worse calling him that. Sexual text were the usual ones, but to be honest we have been talking to him for more than a month, and it was only once or twice. The thing is i only met the instructor for classes, we had another supervisor there and i would leave after classes as it was late, and i had to be home before my parents make a big deal out of it. And i was glad that it was this way, this was i didn't let him get too close to me. I might have seemed brave online, but i am never the same in real life. Human psychology is a weird thing, mine especially. When i think back to it, i remember writing certain things, whether about feelings or sexual things (which was very very rare) i remember it being forced. It was as if a person is complimenting you and saying kind things, and you feel like you have to answer with reciprocity(i don't know if it is the correct term). I don't know why i did that.... i guess i am that fucked up in the head. It is very very weird. None of the things i said were sincere.... neither feelings nor the sexual part.
When it comes to my fiance i meant everything. I truly love him, and care for him. I realize it more and more every day after i lost him. Many people won't believe it, but i do feel this way. I never want to hurt him again and will do anything in my power for him to be happy. Not going to make him get back to me, if it makes him unhappy. Just want to seem him very happy. I have never been a secretive person, this was one of the reasons i left my laptop with him, because i am used to having my phone and laptop laying around for anyone to use. I never had anything to hide and never will have. i never have passwords on my phone or my laptop. I can even share all of my facebook or any social media passwords with my loved ones if they ask for it. I would even share it with him and would love to. Would want him to know everything and all of the people i talk to.
All that happened was super fucked up, and out of character for me. I am here to spill our everything and be honest with people.
If he ever wants to take me back (which i doubt he will, and i don't blame him at all) i would do anything in my power for him not to worry. I know the trust won't be the same, but i believe there are ways of getting the trust back. If i lost trust in someone i loved, there would be ways of getting my trust back. And if i want to win the trust of other person i would use that method to get his trust back. Again, not going to make someone do something they don't want. I really love and care for him. That's why i want to go all this way (and he lives in a very rural area which is very hard to get to) and just talk to him. This was a monstrous thing to do, and i owe him at least a big apology and explanation.