My dad's best friend, my godfather, basically an uncle, just died of a heart attack suddenly. I didnt have the best relationship with him, mostly due to my narc mom who constantly sniped about him behind his back and to my father's face. And then also because I became uncomfortable around all adult males around high school--becasue of repressed trauma. So feeling a lot of things. Mostly sad for my dad losing his best friend. Sad and guilty that I was kind of cold to him whenever he visited. The guy had a lot of faults, was pretty republican, a bit sexist, entitled, had some narc traits, but I dont think he was a bad guy. I mean, his kids turned out better than me and still like him, so he must not be full on narcissistic and I dont know, just seemed like a good dad to them. And I had some good times with him when I was a kid. Always looked forward to his visits. So Im also sad that I didnt get to have the kind of relationship with him that I should have. Both because of my evil mother and whatever happened to me.

And then I feel guilty that Im thinking about funeral logistics because I unfortunately still live with my abusive narc parents. Or one narc and super enabler that often treats me as bad as the narc does. There's no way Im riding up with them, no way Im staying anywhere with them. But probably cant just drive up and back because of the four dogs--two are theirs but might as well be mine. And then on top of that, funerals make me super uncomfortable and are just super triggering. And its not just all of that, its the parents constant belittling and guiltripping and just berating over all of that.

It fucking sucks because I shouldnt have to be worrying about that shit. Should just be trying to process all the grief and other emotions. I cant just be like, alright Im gonna try to go to the funeral and plan it all out and deal with the crippling anxiety from that. Or alright Im not even gonna try, and still beat myself up over not going. No, I gotta worry about all the shit my parents are gonna pull and have to work around it and have them make me feel tens times worse than Im already making myself feel.