Do mean this year, or this month, or this hour?

It is pretty regular with me. Sometimes it is even predictable.

I have real life brain damage, I suffer from relentless depression ( and am considered "treatment resistant"). And I am diagnosed PTSD, and anxiety disorder.

In other words, I know with intense personal experience that I can not and must not trust my emotions the vast majority of the time.

And yet I often feel like I have lost my faith. When that happens, and it does and it absolutely will again, and soon probably -- I have to do my best to look away from my inability to perceive, and to look towards the cross, to Christ.

I have to go back through notes and bookmarks and journal entries that I have put down as road maps, as threads to feel for in the pitch black void.

I read where I felt the same way before and that this is what I felt and how it was so real, the thought that I lost my faith, that I was never saved to begin with, or even that there is no God, no higher power. Yes, sometimes I have these moments where it is so clear that there is --- just, nothing. Sometimes I don't even feel like I exist.

Those are the worst, when I sit up in bed in a start in the dark, and there is no God, that is so upsetting.

So it happens to me and often.

What you do is read and study and memorize your Bible whenever you are mentally, physically, emotionally able. Do it when you're strong because you absolutely will be brought low at some point? You will be weak at some point.

So you learn how to call out to Christ now, so that you will know what to call out and which direction to call towards, if you can't find the clues, the popcorn trails, the threads you have set out for when you lose your way.

Because you will lose your way, you will lose sight, you will lose the plot. It is gonna happen at some point, and if you never lose your way then that is the biggest red flag that you might not be on the strait and narrow path.

And all of this so you can also learn that when it all fails and nothing works, then you finally get to experience what it feels like when your faith finds you, and when Christ comes searching for you. Then the words in the Bible are no longer just in the bible, they are in your life, they are in you.

And that is true and real feelings in a shattered life where you can't and shouldn't trust your feelings. That is true healing of your emotions and feelings. That is light that doesn't simply chase away the dark, it cures your blindness.

So, fortify yourself with the armor of God. And when even that is dashed to ashes by truth that is sharper than any two edged sword -- when you are nothing short of crucified, when you are dead, so to speak -- then you know your resurrection is coming in short order.

Every day I live and every day i die and every day I a resurrected back to life by my Saviour, my Shepherd, my Redeemer.

Always look to Christ and the Cross.