I reformatted this into paragraphs, so others can read it easier:

CMV: Using Proper Pronouns for Trans People is a "Yes And..." Exercise

This is the main issue I have with the culture around trans people is that the attitude you're "supposed" to have about using proper pronouns feels alot like a forced suspension of disbelief by social contract and I've never been able in my mind to not identify someone by what I can discern as their biological sex.

I have a friend who is non binary and insists on using "they/them" pronouns and polices them but in my mind she is completely indistinguishable from a woman despite this third space she's carved out for herself. I've talked to her about it before but the entire reason she does this is because she doesnt feel like she fits in to what a "woman" traditionally is, so this to me says more about the baggage she's attached to being a woman and how she separates herself from that baggage.

This kind of brings up a catch 22 in my mind where she asserts that gender is a made-up and nebulous which I agree but then simultaneously reinforces a rigid definition of what being a woman is for the purpose of escaping that definition. In her case the thing that distinguishes her from a woman is that she doesnt wear make up, cuts her hair short, and she smokes cigars. These are all things that my mom does but the difference between them is that my mom describes herself as a woman who doesnt fit into a stereotype whereas my friend asserts that shes neither gender. I've already addressed this exact point with my friend and she doesnt have an answer to my concern and just kind of shrugs it off but continues to enforce those pronouns like its law and will do things like lodge complaints with our coworkers because one of them is having a gender reveal for their new kid which screams of "my problem is now your problem" and that's ultimately what annoys me about this whole thing.

There seems to be an expectation with trans people that if you dont identify, not just use their preferred pronoun, but actively identify them as their chosen gender or non gender that you're enacting some level of soft violence on them and I just dont know how to do that.

I'm fine with calling a trans-man a he and a trans woman a she for the sake of being polite and only because they assert its polite but in my own mind neither of them is actually the sex that they identify I as. My mind will automatically identify them as a woman who doesnt particularly like being a woman or a man who doesnt particularly feel like being a man so I have to "Yes And..." them to soothe their anxieties.

I apologize to anyone that's disturbed by my use of "she" to describe my friend, I dont use that around my friend, in fact rather than use "they/them" I just don't use pronouns and call them by their name which is easy to do seeing as pronouns are most often used when speaking about someone rather than to them.

I would love a discussion about this because all of the discussions I've had with actual trans people havent changed the way I feel about it and have all ended with this assertion that "yeah its weird" or " yeah it doesn't really make any sense but just do it anyway" which is a weird stance for something to be both arbitrary (especially in regard to nonbinary pronouns) but discriminatory if not adhered to.

Change my view, reddit.