CMV: While we should love disabled people for exactly who they are, it’s only right for us to wish they were completely healthy and without disabilities.

Attachment to what isn’t the case creates suffering. These folks are affirming they have found value in having the experience they’re having, and they DON’T wish to be elsewhere or do so on behalf of this person.

In this critical way, they’re embracing the entire person, not the person “inside” the disabled person or “apart from” the condition or amputation.

As an LGBTQ community member, at various stages I have heard (and know folks who also experienced) this theme of “I love you for who you are. I just see you as a person. I don’t see you as (identity) NOR (‘opposite’ identity).” Or they try to say in some way, “I love you like any other straight person, I don’t see the (gay, etc) parts of you.”

It’s super hurtful! It’s not loving! It doesn’t feel like love on the receiving end. It feels like suffering, I have no idea what the other persons experiencing but it seems STRAINED to me. The experiences I go through effect all of me, so there’s no part of me that isn’t touched by this “other” part of my life. It drives me crazy. I’ve finally started saying I don’t accept that form of love like it’s a currency or credit card I just can’t take at this register.

It’s too expensive to accept love that’s reaching for 99.9% of me (allegedly) but is really pushing away this “0.01%” (and with a “for my own good / for my high regard and respect / As Anyone Else Would” almost holier than thou type of tone, as if being straight is an inherent virtue like being healthy?) — especially because that 0.01 is really a piece of a hologram, connected to all parts of me. I end up feeling WHOLLY erased and unloved. I feel like only the mask I am made to wear is loved. The book by Franz Fanon “Black Faces, White Masks,” might have a lot to say here — how we accept people on terms and conditions we define, with no input from them, and call that a mutual relationship, which it’s not.

I am going out on a few limbs here maybe, but I hope it’s clear I mean to speak from my experience as a person who’s come out as gay/non-binary/trans several times and to many people, and heard people who “wish the best for me” in harmful ways that sent me away needing a mental adjustment (like is that true? Do I need to feel less then for the rest of my life? And the truth is no it’s not true and no I don’t, I can choose to not think about those people who “wish me the best” in EVIL self-dividing ways, that’s evil chi it makes you sick to listen to that too many times!). I can kind of relate, I THINK maybe not, to a person with a disability here who would say YTA / f’ off with the wishing I were healthy.

Only on my lowest most self hating day with my chronic pain do I wish I was elsewhere. When I am at least healthy mentally I can cope with the fact that bodies are perfect. And it’s sickening how much we all have to listen to unhealthy people who have slightly more ability / functionality than maybe with have as they pick our imperfections apart, as if they’d feel comfortable in a swimsuit on a stage hearing the same. It’s not for input.

/r/changemyview Thread Parent