Compulsive liars of reddit, how did you lose your virginity?

So this one time I was just sitting on a bench in the park just being awesome and stuff, hanging out in my Batman t-shirt made by Batman himself by kevlar and money, and basically letting chicks check me out for free. I even let some uglies gaze upon me like a roman God without punching them in the tonsils, because I'm a good person like that.

So anyway, this chick walks by, looking like a gajillion dollars wrapped in the flawless body of a totally hot chick. She must have worked as a cheerleader or something, because you could tell she was both flexible and totally boner-worthy in her outfit. So yeah, anyway, she "accidentally" dropped her sunglasses right in front of me, and just as she caught me sneaking a gentleman-like peek at her candy shop while she was bent over like a sex dream folded in half, I got a "you're busted, mister" look back that said "I want you to remove my spine with your cockadoodle". Being raised to be polite, I quickly raised one eyebrow and gave her a look back that said, "I'm gonna make you so giddy that you're gonna slam your panties all the way past your ankles down to China before those sunglasses make their way back onto your face". Which she did, because I'm awesome. Leaving a panty-shaped, smoking crater behind, I took that bitch to an ice cream shop, where I immediately ninja-punched the vendor in the face for making me refer to this nubile goddess as a "bitch". This wasn't no simple "bitch", – on a scale of one to ten, she was a goddamn Michael Bay movie turned up to 11.

Having acted a gentleman and teased her with ice cream in public for a few minutes – because I had heard that ice cream also counts as foreplay – while still trying to see how much ice cream I could spill on her outfit to make it see-through, and letting my fingers get familiar with 'the little man in the boat', I said "It is time." So we got into my pearl white Lamborghini, and drove the two blocks down to my hotel, because walking is for lazy people and peasants. I walked up to the receptionist who was like "Yo, asshole, we're full." I reacted cooler than a fridge full of Ice T and Snoop Dogg with frost damage, just reached down my pocket, and jammed his stupid face full of cash, like two dollars, and said "No, asshole, you're full", then followed up with "…of shit. I own this hotel, douche juggler. Get the fuck out, motherfucker. Smell you later."

So we got the fuck up into my suite (by a rocket powered elevator that I had invented because I just do shit like that), which was covered from floor to ceiling with solid gold and velvet, and artsy black and white erotica photos, because that shit is classy, yo.

Just as we got into the bedroom, I ripped her clothes off with one hand, which made her perky ass and mathematically correct tits make a "boing-ing" sound because I had made both her tits and nipples erect, as I poured a glass of Cristal with the other hand. Into a glass that was now somehow wedged between her peachy cheeks for no reason other than the fact that that shit is as sexy as Christmas. Just as I was about to say "Yo, babe, pull out my longsword", she was like "Yo, I..can't. I promised Jesus not to." Familiar with Jesus being used as a cock-blocking poster boy from Hell, I turned my voice all the way down to the Barry White setting and said "I am your Jesus". No biggie.

Half a second later, I'm using her as a life-size fleshlight, just thrusting my veiny redwood-like sword so far up into her pink heaven that she almost cried, which almost made it sexier, but only for like a second because "no" means "no", and not everybody likes it rough. We went trough the entire Kama Sutra in like the first ten minutes, which I later renamed "Krama-this-up-your-ass-because-this-book-is-boring-Sutra", and basically suddenly found ourselves to be as one with the stars, Gods and nature.

12 sweaty hours later, when it was time to go all primal scream and let ourselves reach a climax that nobody had reached in the history of mankind, I bit her neck like a vampire, because she looked like the kind of girl who would like to get bitten just as she's about to cum, and held her like that when she simply vibrated into orgasm oblivion, and melted in my hands in the sexiest way possible until the entire floor smelled like sex, sweat and tears (but no blood, because sex blood is gross, yo).

After we were done, and I had taught both myself and the chick involved all there is to know about sex, she thanked me, I thanked myself, and let me alone just to love to see her walk away. Out in public, with totally no clothes on, because as it turns out, I had fucked her senseless.

And that is how I sexed the Jesus out of the chick who grew up to be Katy Perry.

/r/AskReddit Thread