Danganronpa | Despair, For All of Eternity | T |Link -

Looking for advice on how to describe stuff better. But if there's anything else about the text that you want to crit on, feel welcome to.

Context: This is a time travel fic. Naegi, who is the protag, is being forcefully sent back in time over and over again. He tries to damage the time machine in order to free himself, which ends up making him experience the following.

Cold.

So cold.

A few seconds after he finishes the countdown, darkness completely overtakes his vision as a disturbing feeling fills his body. Freezing liquid seems to replace the blood in his body as a biting chill covers him, like a blanket of snow. The pitch black darkness filling his vision seemed suffocating - he couldn’t even tell if he was closing his eyes or not.

Where am I?

Naegi couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. All he could do was stay still as the cold completely fills him from head to toe.

Dark.

It feels so bad.

…

I want to die.

---------------

The 81st Killing Game

Pain.

This is what Makoto Naegi is currently feeling. He was suffering from a headache that was so bad that Naegi thought his head was surely being split into two. It was as if an iron pike was being stabbed into his brain.

But the pain was a welcome surprise. He needed it. The pain had replaced the numbing cold of the void, and so it was welcome. He savored his headache and the sudden rush of warmth into his bones. How long had he been trapped in that freezing abyss? To Naegi, it felt like he was in there for years.

Naegi shivers violently and turns his head to vomit onto the floor. It seemed as if every spot on his body was prickling. His mouth was completely numb - it reminded him of the time he had to had a tooth filled, and the dentist injected his gums with a drug in order to numb the pain.

Blinking rapidly, Naegi shakily stands up from the desk. As soon as he does, his legs fail him and Naegi collapses onto the floor. This caused his headache to flare up once again. Naegi lets out an agonized groan as his vision seems to flicker. As another bout of shivers wracks his body, Naegi tries to prop himself up on his elbows and knees, but even that proved to be too much effort. Panting, the luckster gives up and instead rolls on the floor so that he was facing the ceiling.

“F-Fuck.” Naegi groans and puts a hand on his forehead. Along with a thin sheen of sweat, Naegi realized that he was burning up. His forehead felt hot enough to fry an egg on.

Good. Anything is better than the cold.

Naegi darts his eyes around. He was in the classroom. The same classroom he had woken up in eighty times before. All of the windows were bolted shut with giant iron plates, and there was a security camera staring at him from a corner. Panic starts to replace the confusion and relief in Naegi’s heart.

Did the time machine malfunction? Am I stuck here forever?

“N-No.” Naegi mutters out loud. “Too early to assume. Calm down, Naegi.”

Gritting his teeth, Naegi forces himself to sit up from the floor. Ignoring the amplified wave of nausea, he slowly gets up on his feet. Looking down. Naegi sees that his hands were trembling. He felt like he could collapse at any moment. It was taking all of his strength to even stand up right now. He couldn’t even imagine trying to walk in this condition.