In sixth grade Vinny came to school wearing a WWJD bracelet on his wrist. His friends asked him what the letters meant and he told them. Well, they said, What would Jesus do? And they laughed at him.

Vinny asked himself that question and Jesus answered, Destroy them in Magic: The Gathering. After school Vinny did just that, going 4-0 in four quick matches. All his friends thought he was cheating but Vinny knew he had won by the divine light of Jesus who, in his infinite wisdom, had mana screwed his friends.

The next day, at lunch, Vinny walked up to the soda machine. All his friends were behind him and they watched as his index finger hovered between the Mountain Dew Red button and the Mountain Dew button. Vinny looked at his bracelet and thought, What would Jesus do? He decided that Jesus would prefer he drink Mountain Dew Red.

His friends laughed. Really Vinny? they said. That’s what Jesus would have chosen?

This went on for two weeks. Would Jesus finish the last of his mother’s bad cooking? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe Jesus would feed the dog under the table. Would Jesus let the student next to him cheat off his math test? Perhaps. Who can say what Jesus would do or not do. He found quickly that WWJD provided no order, only the semblance of it, that life and his own casuistry allowed for any answer he wanted and if he was delusional enough he could convince himself that Jesus wanted this and Jesus wanted that and Jesus hated pineapple pizza and Jesus definitely wanted him to swing for a turn three win over this kid at the card shop. There is no mercy in Magic: The Gathering, the loser learns faster that way. Jesus would have wanted that.

And when he found the binder full of rare mtg cards beneath the outdoor lunch table after school? When he knew it was the binder of that asshole named Scott who had the best deck in school and almost never lost (and only then when he was mana screwed)? Well, Jesus would have wanted him to be generous and so he was. He shared those rare cards with all his friends. They left a few Vizzerdrixes and other worthless rares for Scott and the next day after school Vinny returned the binder to him, saying he’d found it that morning behind a soda machine, already ransacked. A white lie is a permissible lie, Jesus whispered to him one night in a dream.

But this Jesus he had created for himself was a corruption and Vinny knew it. He had blurred the boundaries between himself and Jesus and this vermiculate Jesus was eating its way through his soul and he feared what he might become and where that Jesus might take him.

And then Jesus stopped appearing in his dreams, or if he did, he now appeared in the guise of Dakkon Blackblade, a hero with a great black sword resting on his shoulder and a shield with a winged dragon carved on its front. And the hero wore an epaulet on his right shoulder emblazoned with a grinning skull and a harsh green light shone from its sockets. And Jesus-Dakkon Blackblade said, My power is as vast as the plains; my strength is that of mountains. Each wave that crashes upon the shore thunders like blood in my veins. And after these words Jesus-Dakkon Blackblade faded away and the dream ended. Vinny figured this meant he should make an esper control deck and so he did.

A few days later he was in the cafeteria at lunch, on a Friday, and there were cups of normal soggy fries and a single cup of curly fries, and all his friends were standing in line behind him. Dakkon Blackblade whispered to him, Grab the curly fries. So he did. What the hell Vinny? His friends shouted. What would Jesus do?

And he looked at them and at his WWJD bracelet and at his cup of curly fries and he struggled with it, he really did, for at least two seconds, and then he walked up to the cashier lady and placed the cup of curly fries down before her and ripped off his WWJD bracelet and threw it in a nearby trash can. Then he grabbed a golden curly fry and turned around and stared at his friends and shoved the curly fry into his mouth. He chewed with his mouth open in sheer defiance of his faith, this newly godless boy, whose soul was damned forever. Though his esper control deck was coming along nicely.