The reason is because when women cross boundaries most men don’t call them out. They laugh it off.

Last year I needed some extra money so I worked as a barback at a popular “queer” bar. I’m an attractive black Trans Man so I was expecting a few flirty comments from chasers but nothing crazy. Anyways, Saturdays were the busiest night of the week, so most of the barbacks/bartenders worked shirtless. So this one Saturday I’m picking up empty glasses after karaoke, when this white woman reaches over and pulls my nipple piercings and tells me she thinks I’m hot. I was livid. I look her in the eyes and tell her “not to touch me without my consent.” Her mouth fell open and she started stuttering trying to explain herself. She couldn’t believe that I had turned the tables on her. Another time, I was walking through the crowd when a butchy lesbian grabbed my ass. I turned around and told her not to touch me. Her response was “chill out I’m gay” as if that justified her groping me.

I have so many stories about being groped, sexually objectified, and propositioned at that “queer” bar by both men AND women. I think that those two situations occurred for three interconnected reasons: alcohol, i’m cis passing, and their assumption that i’m gay. I think a lot of straight women assume that every guy who works at a gay bar is gay (not true), so they thinks it’s okay to grope men there because “it’s not serious” and “i know it won’t lead anywhere.” I also think that because of my look they assumed I was a cis black man and in their mind it’s okay to grope them. lastly, i think that some people don’t understand the difference between go-go dancers and everyone else. those women saw go-go dancers being groped while getting dollars and assume that being I was shirtless I would be cool with being groped.

I think it comes down to boundaries. When more men set boundaries with women then they won’t overstep. My calling out those women will hopefully make them think twice before groping another man.