I am currently dealing with constant daydreams and I know I can't keep daydreaming and expect to move forward in life but my daydreams are similar in terms of themes; my themes center around being seen as the person I could've been seen as if my parents weren't abusive. I think peoole would've liked me if they really knew me; I was "shy" but the thing is I wasn't "shy" I was extremely dissociated and shut down cause the abuse at home was BAD and I couldn't talk about it and was afraid to be myself around everyone except a few select people. Cause they really shut me down.

Since it's a fantasy, I def exaggerate a bit to make it more "fun" and more of an escape, but my fantasizes revolve around being admired and adored and loved, by everyone around me.... and taken seriously.

Here's something REALLY pathetic, but I'm trying to not judge myself because I understand the roots, it's just mortifying cause it sounds ill adjusted, but I had experienced recently that brought this back up; I currently fantasize about a high school crush/someone I was dating turning out differently. Not ending up with them "together forever," but being close and then breaking off at the end of my high school career.

My father sexually abused me as a child, and shamed and humiliated me around dating, constantly, and overtly sexually abused me at home, some of the comments were pretty gross and explicit. He acted threatened and I was living in almost constant dissociation because of this. And I still downplay it and can't be 100% present to this day when I process it cause it was so painful.

But I don't want you to feel pathetic so I'm just letting you know; 27 years old, I'm thinking of a damn high school crush. It was reciprocated, he did like me too, and we had a couple of intimate moments but I kept allowing him to get close then pushing him away because I was terrified.

I couldn't move out till I was 24 and so I've never really had a real relationship. Most people tell me I'm beautiful so it's not that I wasn't desirable, but I was desired by a sick man who had no right desiring me that way and he threatened covertly when I was dating which gives me immense grief because I wanted to experience romantic love, I was also forced to break this guy's heart, who had inner child abondment wounds from his own home life abuse with his mother so it made my heart ache but I couldn't tell anyone about my dad cause even my mom didn't know but she also didn't care from what she DID see.

Not a single day goes by that I wish I wasn't sexually abused or that I had a different father. So that's what this fantasy hinges off, especially cause I feel ugly now, due to re-traumatizing experienced causing some pretty severe insomnia; I use to be told I looked young for my age and everyone gushed about how pretty I was, my emotions and talents were ignored and undervalued so I learned that pretty =love and value, so I'm insecure af, and I remember this guy who looked at me like I was beautiful in a humanistic way that gave me erophioa. The way he spoke to me, and our limited, very limited thanks to yours truly, intimate experiences also gave me eruphia and made me feel loved, and I imagine a world where I was growing in love and my first time was with someone I cared about and that's all it ever was. He always did these big romantic gestures and it made me feel special and I imagine a world where I was safe to reciprocate instead of break someone's heart, through no fault of my own, and to have experienced fully what it was like to make someone so happy and have hem make me so happy; I was severely neglected as a child by my mother and she enabled my father who sexually abused me, so this relationship fantasy is the fact my emotional needs were being met, and physical affection felt warm, nuturing and safe. And I'm mortified, like please, ffs god damn, please don't let this really have been my only memory of feeling loved... I really hope that's not what it means cause I only experienced surface level romance. Holding hands, love struck looks, caressing, leaning into each other... but I pulled away before kissing, cause if I allowed him to get that close, what would my father do to me? He was sickly possessive of me, it made me subconsciously afraid of how far he'd cross the line if I got close to a boy. I feel like a loser for that, so this is my "she's got it all" fantasy.

Then I imagine when I moved on, I grew up, got a career, finished my degree, etc, and imagine a circle of friends (the abuse got so bad I didn't get to those things either and I'm barely functioning now and deal with suicidal ideation; I was capable of more than this. My whole family doesn't know me and thinks I'm "special needs.)

I'm grieving. But it's soooo humiliating. I hope me sharing my humiliating little confession I will not share anywhere else will help you lol. I'm going to see a therapist so I can heal my past and cultivate my future so I'm not obsessed with re-writing my trauma with happy endings.

There was an image of a tormented animal with a fantasy bible above their head, it was suppose to be about the horrors of factory farming, and that pig was imagine sunshine and air.

Maybe try a little self compassion; you're trying to alleviate your own suffering by running away. This is a common trauma response and can even be dissociative if it's that constant and intense. (I'll do it when I'n high and I hate how much I love it; my body remembers the feelings when I'm high and it's like I'm not really here. I use weed for insomnia.)

Is it possible that you were invalidated a lot growing up and ignored? That can be very traumatizing. Invalidation denies you your right to your feelings and to be seen. Get invalidated enough, you internalize and shut down and learn to invalidate your own feelings, and just bottle up.

If you were ignored a lot, you were denied your basic need and right to be seen and acknowledged and encouraged; there's nothing wrong with wanting praise.

I hope you get to a stage where you don't need to run away to fantasy land but in the meantime; self compassion and understanding.

Narcissists have ridiculous fantasizes about power. My narc father loved to tell me I had "unrealistic expectations" and my hopes and dreams were "unrealistic" but I wanted what everyone wants; to fall in love, to feel fulfilled an happy in life, to have a career that made me feel excited to get up everyday, and wonderful friends and love around me and to be independent. Is that really unrealistic now? Really? I hate him...

It sounds like you just want to be loved and you're grieving.

This is so normal. There was this Tumblr post about this and it had 36,000 something notes. I was like "oh wow so I'm not totally crazy" lol. But I get it; it's humiliating. It makes you feel like a pathetic loser. I'm afraid to even hit "send" cause someone might think I am, but I want to let you know you are not and this isn't a crazy thing to daydream about.

I'm so glad Reddit is Anonymous lol.