Do you find this occurs during times of stress? Perhaps you’ve been spending too much time in the “dark playground” and feel anxiety from failing-to-live-up-to-your-potential. Sometimes, we can be like a child, using someone close to us yo help release our emotions. We can get caught up in it. Usually, we act this way to those that love us. Like a child we know it’s our best chance of being tolerated while having an outburst.

Their tears and suffering snap us back into reality. What the fuck am I doing?

What works best for me is to keep trying to get better. to give up can’t be an option. When I’m feeling good, I treat them like they are cherished and loved because I do cherish and love. I also try to take steps not to get so stressed.

When I’m sinking, because I still love and cherish them I try to be dutiful. I use a lot of self talk, I try to remind myself these feelings will pass and act like a decent human being in the meanwhile.

When I’m fucked I fuck up again. I outburst, I say vicious things, it seems like I forget their value, but mostly I’ll remember “deal-breakers”. My boyfriend hates when I say, “Fuck off” because it makes him feel unwanted. But if I say “fuck you” he’s ok. My husband hates when I say, “I can’t stay I can’t stay I need a divorce.” Now I say, “please leave me alone for just a bit.” So somewhere inside I do know they matter.

I play all sorts of games and tricks to just get by and I’m so lucky to have two men who have loved and supported me financially and emotionally for years and years and I want to be a quality person to them. It does work but it hasn’t been an instant fix.