Contemplating Suicide

Man, I have been there. I have had a shotgun in my mouth, but let me back up.

When I was in HS I was a skaterpunk. I was also openly gay. This was in 1993. I also live in the south. I don't know where you are, but that was next level hell. I survived HS, but 3 of my friends took their life. I remember when one of my best friends, Robert Barrett killed himself with a friends gun. It was devastating. I knew my life was tough, but I could never imagine that kind of shit.

Well, I went to a few psychologists when I was in my teens over angst. Angst is very similar to depression, and I thought at the time it was the worst I ever felt. At times I thought about taking my life.

Fast forward 15 years. I went through a divorce, lost everything and had to start life all over. I had to buy a new house, I had no friends because, well, a decade in the suburbs married does that. I was burglarized 3 times in the first 2 years of having my house and felt completely alone. But I had a gun. I remember crying hysterically on a regular basis. Not sleeping because the inbetween nightmares- the ones that you have when you aren't asleep, but they are just as vivid as REM sleep nightmares about stress, forclosure, not being able to take care of my kid- oh I have a kid! I love my kid, but I promise during that time the stress made it almost impossible to be a good dad.

I knew that I had $250k in insurance, $100k in equity in my house, and my kid would be fine if I offed myself. It was easy.


I say all of that to say this- I pulled that shotgun out of my mouth in 2009. I thought about something I was told when I was a teenager, "If you are gonna do it, you better see the world, because why not? You are gonna kill yourself anyways."

I couldn't afford to travel the world, but I could buy a bike. I could start seeing the countryside. I started at 10 miles, then 30, then 60, then 100, then 250 a week, then 450 on trips.

I found my value. I spent a lot of time on my bike in tears, sometimes the good ones, sometimes the bad ones. But I found what I needed to find.

Now I run a non-profit bike shop that is all inclusive- homeless, low income, lgbtq... it is all inclusive. I found myself, and now I hope to create the same safetynet for others. Keep your head up, brother. You are ok. If you ever feel totally lost, get on a bike and ride.

/r/self Thread