Continuing to have sex with each other is the last thing we'd want to do should the ants ever gain human intellect.

It would be a bad idea for humans to fuck after the ants become intelligent.

First off, sex more often than not leads to babies. As any schoolchild knows, babies are notoriously unsuitable for killing ants.They barely move, choosing instead to just lay there and do nothing, kind of like my Dutch girlfriend Anika (not her real name). She's a bit of a "dead fish." What I mean to say is that she's not very lively in the bedroom. And she smells of dead fish.

Anyway, you're probably thinking "Hey, all those babies...we could just throw them at the ants, right?" Wrong.

You see, due to their unformed skeletal structure, the average baby is softer than my penis was the time Anika and I went to see 12 Years A Slave. That girl ate a whole box of bite-size Butterfingers, which is a treat not available in socialist Netherlands. It made her hands incredibly sticky. As for the babies; lobbing them at the ants would be about as effective as throwing pillows at them. Ironically, pillows are one of baby-kind's most deadly threats, ranking right behind microwaves and Eric Clapton. Remember that because it might come in handy one day.

Sexual intercourse would result in other unwanted byproducts besides babies. I'm talking about bodily fluids ("fluids that come from the body" to the layperson). Blood, semen, stool - pretty much anything stuck to the ceiling after a good bachelor party. The ants will inevitably be drawn by this smorgasbord of human waste product. Our moaning will be a call to arms, reverberations from our queefs will serve only to rally their troops, and the scent of our dripping genitals will be like blood in the water during tourist season on Australia's Gold Coast. Incidentally, Anika now knows not to go swimming in shark-infested waters while on her period. At least losing that leg got her down to her target weight, though. She seems happy about it (plus, the shark now has his redwings). Unfortunately, if ever the ant-pocalypse were to happen, Anika would be such a burden that I'd probably just put her down to spare her the horrors. I think a pillow would work.

/r/vargas Thread