Sounds pretty covert. Yucky. I'm sorry, hun. A really huge realization that I had regarding my parents was that they are actual humans who went through childhood and the teen years and had emotions and relationships... so when I found myself married, wanting a divorce, with kids of my own, I suddenly realized that my mom was married to my dad... and she had a relationship with this horrible person, and they "broke up" when she divorced him... those are weird things to realize about your parents because they are parents to you more so than people who may have had feelings you can relate to.

So, whether your mom is a narcissist or not (sounds covert or at least FLEAS for sure...) it really is a weird feeling to know that your kids will love a person you can't stand simply because their relationship is parent/child and not significant other/spouse etc, know what I mean?

I've felt that sting of jealousy when my kids get excited about being with their dad and sometimes feel awful about what he chooses to do with his time with them, like buying them things and letting them do stuff that we limit at home because they're with me 90% of the time (only video games all day doesn't' happen here for instance).

The difference is this: I don't bad mouth their dad in front of them or even if they are in the house. At all. Ever. I tell them I am so glad they had fun with daddy and I'm glad they like their new toys. My feelings about their dad are my business and not theirs and it goes both ways. As they get older, maybe they will see what I see, maybe they won't. But right now, they love their dad and want to see him and that is good.

Your mom insults you when she insults your dad. You're part him, after all. And that really sucks. My dad used to tell me what a whore my mother was and how I was going to be just like her. That was deeply damaging.

So, TL;DR: You are not wrong. Your mom shouldn't be doing that to you. Your relationship with your dad is your business, not hers. Rest easy in that. Protect yourself and don't be afraid to keep the knowledge of that in your heart so that her attitude and words roll off your back like water on a duck.