Thanks. Yeah, I think I am a good person and have been doing my best to live in this world where I feel like such an alien and still have not found a place that feels like home.

At this point I honestly just wish I were a woman. Maybe I'm just tired of fighting the battle of "Am I gay or not" which has been going on in my head for ... at least 15 years. It's so exhausting and I can't believe I'm not dead yet from all the energy I've wasted hating myself!

I know I'm gentle, kind, loving, and non-macho. And I know I'm a good person. So that's good!

I just wish I knew how to exist in social spaces without feeling overwhelmed or embarrassed. I think I have repressed and hidden my sexuality because at this point if I let it out, it would be completely wild. I wish I had sex dreams or fantasies. Because then it would be obvious what my sexual orientation is.

I just wish I were a girl.

But I'm afraid that's actually just some really warped and twisted way of being gay, and I'm just so in denial and messed up that I can't even accept it and...

When I say to myself, "I'm a girl" I feel happy.

When I say "I'm a gay man", my stomach clenches up so tight and I feel so disgusted and angry. And another voice says "NO! NO! NO!" and refuses to accept being a gay man.

So...at least I feel like I've narrowed it down. I'm either a gay man who is severely repressed to the point of mental illness,

Or I'm a transgender person who is almost totally unaware of being a woman.

I just feel like if I become a transgender woman, people would look at me and feel "oh, how sad. that is the saddest most pathetic thing on earth. he is gay but can't accept it. that's so heartbreaking and cringe-worthy it's almost unbearable."

Even though when I go out dressed as a woman I feel great.