I'm sticking to the self-summary:

Hi, I'm Suzanne.

You’d think for someone with a degree in psychology, writing one of these things would be easier.

• Self-deprecation requires familiarity to be effective--this is why it's generally frowned upon in online dating profiles where everyone is a stranger to you. (If you are going to use it--use it sparingly and not right off the bat--unless you have the ability to capture/hold their attention--which, based on the header of your OP I'm guessing is not the case).

~~You'd be right. Hell yeah!

No.

Um.

• That is one of the most confusing/terrible things I've seen in a while.

I AM A SCIENTIST. This is what I tell myself. This is what psychology people do to try and disassociate with the "soft" social sciences and compare ourselves to the "hard" sciences. We call this physics envy.

• This is tricky--it depends what kind of dude you're going for--so keep that in mind when you do your revisions. Is this the tone you want to set/foot you want to get off on?

If that made you snort through your nose, or at least let out a solitary huff, go ahead and send me a message. We'll get along just fine.

• Soliciting messages explicitly reads hella desperate (especially when a woman does it).

And message me if you didn't get it and want me to explain it to you. I like teaching people things.

• Again--desperation is unattractive. Also, if you're trying to be tongue-and-cheek it's not going to translate well (see: self-deprecation above).

But I most like figuring out things with other people.

• This is weird and/or poorly phrased.

I crave the kind of intellectual, philosophical, exploratory conversation to be had in the ivory towers of academia (outside is scary!)

• Not to essentialize but most dudes are very literal and unless you only want to attract highly intelligent/academic types then I would figure out a better way to say this.

Tangents are magic.

• This is bizarre to me but if it's Totally You then go for it.

Things like science and philosophy and language excite me. I've built friendships off the exchange of interesting Cracked articles (what few of those there are left, amirite?) and the ensuing conversations that followed.

• Write more like this--it strikes a much better balance of nerdy without being too out there.

Overall:

The profile you have now isn't going for mass appeal so you shouldn't be surprised that you aren't generating much interest.

Caveat--it's important to be yourself. However, if you're open to change and asking for a critique because you're serious about getting better and/or different results on the site then you need to consider toning down your "jokes"--coming across as less eager/available and taking some extremely crude assumptions to heart. i.e. guys (not all but a lot) are highly visual.

Basically, you look A LOT older than 24--it's a combination of your hairstyle and the way you dress. I actually like short hair styles on girls (but most girls do)--guys... not so much. And in your case, your hair, the way it's cut and styled, isn't in some pixie/whimsical or edgy way but... in a very mom-way.

Sorry if any of that is harsh. You are, of course, more than entitled to keep things exactly the way it is. Again, this is just if you want to appeal to more people. Keep in mind: More "bites"/messages isn't necessarily a good thing if it isn't the kind of interest/attention that you want.