Hello. I am interested in criticism and knowing if you would read something like this(based on the writing itself).

No.

Abelard let out a short, harsh bark of laughter. It was hollow, a void of noise that vibrated through the air.

a void of noise that vibrated through the air. a bark of laughter.

A red sunrise ascended in his cheeks as his fever soared like a hawk on vast, robust wings into the heavens.

You just made me read an awkward sentence that involved a big hawk flying into the sky/space...all to tell me his cheeks were red and he had a fever. Then you followed it up with..

His vision blurred, an apparition of sight that sparked savage colors to rupture in lucid hues before him.

'an apparition of sight that sparked savage colors to rupture in lucid hues before him'

What does that even mean? like phosphenes or something? you tend to use a lot of descriptive words. the problem is that you use them for no reason. It gets blocky and clunky. An apparition of sight? is that like a bark of laughter? what is a savage color. what does a lucid hue look like? what are you talking about?

"Why?" Abelard grated out like a vulgar curse,

what do you sound like when you grate out a vulgar curse?

Johannes's heart beat violently against his aching ribcage like an agitated animal rampaging for freedom.

His heart beat like an agitated animal rampaging for freedom. nothing about a heart beating makes me think of an erratic and unpredictable animal fighting to be free. That's a personal thing though..I just don't care for your similes, metaphors or analogies.

Me personally? I wouldn't read anything written like this. It was poorly written in a cool way though. Stop trying so hard and you might have something decent, don't know. Didn't read your description but I doubt this was chapter 1.

seriously though, you should focus on telling the story and less on trying to sound poetic. not every mundane item or action needs a bunch of adjectives and literary devices attached to it.

do me a favor...this may take a while.. count the number of metaphors/similes/analogies/adjectives you have in your first couple of pages... now pop open some books by authors you enjoy. count theirs up.