I’m smoking a cigarette on a beach chair outside Kendall’s greenhouse when Mike, who works at Sav-On with me (and who just happens to sell a little weed on the side), shows up. He looks really shaken up, which is weird because Mike has this cool weed-salesman vibe and is probably five years younger than Kendall or me besides. So I say, What’s up, Mikey? And Mike shoots me this look. But then he says: “Kendall told me to look for them out back in the greenhouse. I said, what the hell, you have a greenhouse? Chad said no, I have a shed painted green. Yes, I have a greenhouse. Smartass. “But when I came through the old gate and around the side to the backyard, there wasn’t any greenhouse at all. Not a green shed, even. It was just a big patch of dirt with some grass here and there with a bunch of trees all around. I walked around the house to the other side to see if maybe the greenhouse was over there or something, but no dice. Nada. More weeds, a little slide – like one for kids – one of those plastic ones, all discolored from being in the sun and tilted on its side. “Well, I looked at the house – it was this big two-storied place, see. And on the second floor, like, there was a big deck, and there were these glass doors that led out onto it, it looked like. So right when I looked up at it, this naked lady was standing just inside the two doors. She had wet hair like she’d just gotten out of the shower. She was pretty hot, to be honest. Older lady. Definitely a MILF. I was into it. “She wasn’t into it, though, and her hands shoot out and she covers her cooch and sort of hunches over and turns and runs away from the doors. She had a pretty nice butt, too, I noticed. “Anyway, I had no idea who this lady was, obviously, so that’s when I started thinking, hey, maybe this is, you know, the wrong house. Which seems obvious and probably would have been what I would have been thinking anyway even if I hadn’t run into this MILF. And I think, OK, this MILF is obviously not into seeing me around, so maybe I’ll just, you know, get out of here. “So I walk out the side again past the house and over to my car, and I’m thinking, well, did I get the number wrong, or what? And I hear some guy yell ‘HEY!’ “So I turn around and there’s this guy standing in front of it, and he’s also buck-ass naked, like. I’m thinking, OK, great. Naked dude. What. And he goes, ‘YOU WANT SOME TOMATOES?’ “At which point I’m just like, seriously, what the fuck, man. But I think about it for a second, and I like tomatoes, so I go, ‘Yeah, sure. Yeah. I like tomatoes. “And the guy – who has this big belly, by the way, that’s like perfectly round, like he’s pregnant or something, this probably 60 year old guy, I’d say – turns around and kind of walks over to the porch, kind of stiff, like this, and bends over and gets something out of this basket that’s there on the porch. Then he turns and he does this big wind-up, like he’s playing baseball and pitching to me – and he just fucking chucks this tomato at me. I’m a little surprised, like, and this thing’s coming fast, so I try to catch it, but it just explodes all over me when it hits my hands. It must’ve been ripe as hell. “So I go, hey, what the fuck! But he’s got another tomato and he’s already chucking it at me, without the wind-up at this time, and he’s just going ‘TOMATO! TOMATO! TOMATO!’ And he starts laughing, probably cause I’m trying to like catch these tomatoes that are coming at me and I’m just like not doing it, they’re exploding all over the place and that’s why my shirt has all this shit on it like so.” From inside the greenhouse I hear laughter – Kendall, working on repotting a tomato plant, is laughing. He’s laughing really hard, actually, so hard that he has to stop what he’s doing. “Oh, man,” he says when he catches his breath. “I don’t think there’s another way I’d want the neighbors using the tomatoes I gave ‘em.”