DAE have a hard time identifying whether or not you like someone as a person?

You're welcome. It's hard for me too. I don't say yes to plans with people I don't want to spend time with, but in large group settings where there potential acquaintance types, if I'm triggered and don't realize it (which happens from people who are 'not really that bad / just trying to be nice') I end up giving my time away to people I don't even want to make eye contact with.

For example - last weekend I gave 30 minutes too many (I should have given zero minutes) to someone at my gym that I'm not really a fan of, but he's "really never done anything bad to me or anyone else." But what I do know, is that whenever I agree to partner / train with him (our sport that we are both learning) which is like once every few months, he goes "goooooooood" "goooooooood" to me for the whole 6 minute round, and I'm ranked higher than him (not by much), and I fucking hate it but since I'm a woman I know I'm supposed to just 'be nice' and act 'thankful' for what he's saying.

Except it's not nice and I didn't ask him what he thought of me or my ability / or performance at this sport. I don't spend my rounds telling anyone else "gooooooood" "goooooooood" but I suppose for some reason / logic my brain has associated that to be ok because 'that's just what guys do.' Except it's not 'just what guys do.' It's what guys I do not like do. Guys like this guy, which is why I didn't like him. And that's ok, that is allowed to be enough. Except my trauma logic was not letting it be ok / enough that day / and I also forgot for a minute.

So, a week ago, I made the mistake of agreeing to train with him because someone else said "why don't you go with him" and I forgot that I don't like it - because, you know, "He never did anything wrong to me or anyone else, and is it THAT bad that he says "goooooood" like he's coaching me? he's just trying to be nice." *(the answer is actually yes it's that bad. Who the fuck is this guy to keep assuring me that I am doing a good job when I didn't ask him for reassurance in any way?)

That's the thing here - he's not trying to be nice. He's telling me 'how much better i'm getting' , but it wasn't said in a way that I felt connected to the person - it was said in a way of his sharing his judgement of me (even though he was nice, it was just .... I dunno how to explain it) and then says "yeah I see (let's call him Dave- one of my normal partners that he sees me with multiple times a week for over a year) working with you all the time, he's really patient. I remember my friend (another guy that I had to stop being friends with because he tried to do the same thing) used to work with you too, he's really patient and helpful". I was wondering if I was crazy for the next 48 hours because I felt crazy and petty. I could not get past why his pointing out that guys I train with are patient was bothering me.

Then I realized "ah! I forced myself to let him mansplain to me because I felt the 'fog' and got sucked in to it." The 'fog' is what I call someone "not that bad" or "neutral" but who has the same lack of awareness of reality as my family. They may be perfectly nice, but they can't listen. Or they have to point out that being around me is 'extra work' so like "oh look how good so and so is with haps." as if I am someone that ..... needs someone to be patient with me because something is wrong with me.

Or they respond to whatever you say with unsolicited advice, with an every so sligggggghhhhhttttt tone that let's you know they are above you and offering you help, which you need, but you did not ask them for. It's very slight. We don't know each other enough for him to be implying that other people are patient with me. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE SUCKS AT THIS SPORT.

How did I end up talking to him for 30 minutes without knowing I didn't want to keep talking to him? I felt guilty that maybe I'm not being nice to him - (my friends are 'cooler' than him in our school , much better at the sport, years ahead of him etc. I was sort of adopted by the 'inner circle' and he wasn't) so I felt guilty I guess?

I was so triggered by this guy subtly undermining me that I stayed and talked to him for 25 min more than I wanted to.

I chose the reality that was not the one I'd already chosen - one where I just avoid him and don't feel bad (like high school kind of mentality) and that he doesn't have to hit me in the face or steal my wallet for me to just not like him.

That was a ramble, but I guess I just liked the opportunity to sort this stuff out with another person and hear myself say all this stuff too. Because it's kind of ridiculous. And it took me 48 hours of being annoyed and not knowing why, until I was like "AH! I don't like that guy and I gave him my time just because I thought I was supposed to / out of habit due to people with his personality type, not because I actually wanted to. That's why I felt so bad!"

It's just a weird pattern that Narc parents seem to instill in kids, and it's hard to break. But staying in my own reality is always #1. Thanks for the reminder. :)

And also yeah ps - it's exhausting to deal with the kind of stuff your mom does. I had a mom kind of like that, without needing us to look as close, but the subtle ignoring for long periods of time and then the whole "whaatttt? We are so clooooseee??? I looooveeee youuuuuu?" And then back to zero parenting or communication. That will throw your head into a spin for sure.

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread Parent