I just got diagnosed and I never really understood the whole black and white highs and lows symptoms, since there are/have a lot of days where I feel pretty steady, not super high not super low. Just neutral feeling, sometimes with mini highs and lows during the day (from lasting minutes to maybe an hour I’d consider mini) Lately I’ve not been neutral, just either low or numb. Just feel like the days disappear and I don’t do anything other than what I have to do. And I tried calling psychiatrists in Belgium to help assist my suicide, but so many don’t speak good English, one I left a message. But apparently it’s a really complicated process for non citizens of Belgium. I’m so tired all the time. I can’t find a way out of my head. I feel so bad for the people around me. I know I’m exhausting. I know even therapists don’t want to treat me or if they do, they don’t know how or they do know how but they’re way out of my budget. I read that in an article about suicidal people feeling like they’re in a burning building with no way out but to jump out the window. People don’t get it. I can’t be fixed by watering me like a half dead plant like regular people. I’m just so fucked. I want my head to be nice to me, I want to feel peace, why is there screaming in my head all the time. Why do I feel like I’m physically being thrown around in so many directions and pushed and bullied by myself. Why do people want me alive if I act this way? I can’t just stop and snap out of it and be normal productive and not scared. I try, I tried, I’m trying.