Oh man, I am so, so sorry. God, that sounds like such a roller coaster of a ride!! At least my nDad was consistently a jerk, so I was able to just think, anything he does, do the opposite and you'll know you're not a jerk.
That set me up to be a mess if I ever had a bad day and said or did something insensitive. Suddenly I was just like Nsis. Eff. >
ugh I know that same anxiety!! And I'm only just learning how to stand up for myself because if I did anything that wasn't totally supportive of friends or family, even if it meant a lot of mental energy and capacity I didn't have, I would cry, because I was obviously a horrible person just like my dad. And having to microanalyze every comment I made/make to ensure it wasn't horrid just feeds into my anxiety, because then I still feel that I'm thinking too much about myself, and what if I'm a narcissist just like him?
It made me feel so defensive trying desprately to keep some sense of self. >
The black and white world narcistic people live in make seeing grey very confusing to kids who look to them for guidance. >
THIS. Soooo much. Although there are many other wonderful side effects of growing up with a narcissist, I agree that messing with your boundaries and sense of self is one of the most insidious ones. Normal parents may guide some aspects of their children's sense of self (e.g. I know you're a better person than slapping your brother over Legos, Jimmy. In this household, we are kind to each other. You need to apologize), but they don't use it casually as just a tool to exert dominance. Because it doesn't take a genius to realize that can eff a kid up.
I know it is not at all easy to go through, and I struggle with the same thing, but I think the fact that you do think of these issues and don't want to use the casual cruelty that N's drop pretty much disproves NPD. You seem like a freaking awesome person from what I have read. And even if you do have a judgemental streak or don't always want to give up your seat on the bus, I will be repeating what I tell myself that, a) it's okay to feel normal human emotions and have them as a part of your personality and b) at the very least, you are not a narc. :)