The ball dropped 1 hour and 45 minutes ago where I am and all I've been thinking about is the question: am I trans?

I can't tell if these are fleeting thoughts or not. The thoughts come on so strong and then disappear for months, even years at a time. I've always to, at least, experience a day as a woman, but I've never thought as myself as trans. Folks who come out and speak honestly about their experiences prompted me to do research and I found out that being trans is so much more beautiful and complex than what I thought it was. (Seriously, telling your stories about being trans is amazingly powerful and useful).

Being trans makes perfect sense! When I was young, I was always the pink Power Ranger. I told my family to call me Kimberly as early as four years old. I stuffed blankets under my shirt to pretend I had boobs and my mom caught me, tickled me, and... I can't remember what happened after that. It wasn't a big deal I guess. I remember being in high school and wondered what it would be like to girl sitting down at the kitchen table with my parents. What would I be wearing? Who would my friends be? Later I found it excited to wear lingerie. Bras and panties were kinda a fetish, but lipstick and nail polish were different... It's like a blanket providing warmth and security from a cold rainy day... I can't really explain it.

My ex-girlfriend painted my nails years ago and told me that I was the first boyfriend/guy who let her do that despite asking/pushing each one of them. I loved it. I wore socks to protect my painted nails from my parents who I lived with at the time. I rode a bike 15 miles away and took my socks off and enjoyed my neon purple nails in the dark green summer grass. Later when I had to remove the polish, it was like lifting off a blanket and being exposed to a cruel, cold world which rained on me and left me shivering.

However I'm also having trouble reconciling this with how people have described me as I am now. I've heard women tell my girlfriend that I'm "such a guy." I've been told that "I'm super masculine." It makes the person I'm seeing seem less real. It just makes these thoughts of being a woman feel less true though my rational side tells me they are not. There's nothing saying a woman can't jump into a fight or be a protector....

I'm a little drunk and I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I'm a "big, burly man" who is unsure how I would transition. I'm the guy who so big that girls ask me to walk them home because other guys have admitted they won't fuck with me. I've' been this "man's man" all my life, yet I'm worried about the woman I could be.

I'm so fucking confused and drunk... I'm sorry....