Arsenal.

My first step will be to hire Tony Pulis, and tie the baseball cap merchant down to a watertight decade long contract, with just one stipulation. What’s that, you ask? Well, just wait and see...

My second step would be to nab Ryan Shawcross from Stoke. I think a sum of 100 million or so should suffice? Anyways, big Ryan is now also tied down to a decade long contract, and as per the one stipulation in Tony’s contract, must start every single game. Every single one. I don’t care if he’s legally dead, he’s starting.

Next up is to implement a new transfer policy; for this, I'll appoint myself as director of football. Our new direction will be to sign any and all people called “Gareth McAuley”, and when that river runs dry, we’ll just stick to Championship players who are 6 foot 3 and above. Value for money, and all that.

Speaking of value for money, the Emirates is a piece of prime real estate. Obviously with our expensive new head coach, we’ll have to scale back, so I will put the wheels in motion to sell the land and ground to property developers and look to relocate to Nelson, in Lancashire. I would feel iffy about this, but it’s Arsenal, and if any team not called MK Dons knows about relocating, its them.

Anyway, what with this, I think a name change will be in order: ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for Nelson’s Gunners. Obviously I don’t want to throw over a century of tradition in the bin, so on three big plinths I’ll erect statues of Arsenal legends past and present; currently I’m thinking Park Chu-Young, Armand Traore, and Jermaine Pennant. Im thinking the three plinths could also be called Nelson’s Column, but I’m not sure how catchy that name is.

Anyway, what with all that, I’m sure I can usher in a new, financially responsible era in for the team, and I’ve no doubt all Nelson’s Gunners fans will, in time, come to love the new team.