I have this weird anxiety/depression thing that I've been dealing with my whole life. Every once in a while, it'll creep up and I'll feel like everything bad is about to happen, and it's all because of these terrible decisions I've made, but I don't know exactly what will happen or what those decisions were. So I'll sit and analyze every decision I've made up to this point, questioning absolutely everything, and doubting pretty much my entire life.

Very recently, I scored a sponsorship for bikini coaching from my gym. So I spoke with my VP about it, and he very enthusiastically encouraged me to take some time away from work to pursue this opportunity. So I'm on a reduced schedule, which means slightly reduced pay and benefits. But I also feel like if I really don't try and pursue this I will regret it down the line, it's something I really want to do.

Well today is a very bad anxiety day. I'm questioning everything: am I getting too big? Do I have muscle imbalances? What if I get too big for the bikini division? What if I'm destroying my body? What if I'm not big enough? I feel like I need to lose more weight, but everyone is telling me I should be gaining? Maybe I should give up? What if I fail? Is it worth the reduced pay? Can I even afford this?

I'm sitting here at my desk with a giant lump in my throat on the verge of tears. I don't know if anyone has been in this situation before, but I've been getting a lot of, "you're muscles are getting too big" and "you'll look like a man" from the general public, and it's freaking me the fuck out. I'm hoping maybe one of you ladies here might have a word of encouragement?