Oh r/bb. Sometimes I have such a terrible relationship with myself. I think many nice things about myself. I am smart. I am kind. I am brave. I am pretty. I have many of these wonderful qualities.

Except I am terribly fucking fat and I hate myself. Well, I'm not terribly fat, in fact I'm not fat at all. But I like to tell myself I am. And christ, is it getting old. I am so sick of my brain telling me two things: One, that I am fat and two, that being fat is the worst thing in the world.

Mainly I need different coping mechanisms. I do emotional eat and over eat, although luckily (and through hard work) I don't binge anymore. I made up a rule that I can't eat in my room because that's when I tend to eat mindlessly when I'm tired/bored/frustrated. That rule has been going pretty well. But mainly I try not to judge myself or get obsessive. Some days are really easy and some days are really hard.

The reason I started body building is because deep down inside I believe I'm just going to get fatter and fatter all my life and if I'm going to put on weight I may as well make as much as possible of that weight be muscle. I actually think that's kind of fucked up that I truly believe I will never be weight stable and just end up fatter and fatter forever and ever. Although, frankly, that's the trend of my life. I have just got bigger and bigger since high school.

Sometimes I just like being strong. And sometimes I just like being healthy. But secretly deep down I just want to be skinny. The last time I was thin I was finishing my postgrad thesis. I could bust out 8 pull ups and focus on my thesis for 10 hours a day, but,of course, I was only eating like 1,000cal a day for six weeks. I could do pull ups just because I was lighter than I used to be. Ha. Although, that was important to me because I used to be a rock climber.

I am really trying hard though. I don't eat in my room and I track my calories. Have been for the last two months. While I have been trying to cut I have ended up just maintaining. I'm kind of hoping that as long as I track my calories every day it will just trend me towards where I want to be. Not consciously or with much effort, just super low key i'm aware of what I'm eating and my TDEE and that kind of thing.

I'm just ranting right now. I'm fine. I'm in a low right now and the fact that this is my 'low', a ramble on the internet, jesus, I've come so fucking far. I remember going to my best friend's housewarming and throwing up in the side alley and pretending nothing had happened, fully prepared to blame it on the alcohol. I remember crying and eating smoked salmon and dark chocolate even though I was already so fucking full I just felt so out of control. I remember throwing up a freaking jar of peanut butter in the shower because it made cleaning up my vomit easier.

Man, I feel bad for past me. I was in such a terrible headspace. I really have come a long way. So that's why I'm taking it slow. That's why even though I have been trying to cut the fact that I just maintained for the past two months is fine, it's so fine, because I want to keep doing better. I don't want to take any steps backwards.

I did my first meal prep since I got back home from traveling. I've been living with my mumma the past three months and because I'm broke I haven't been buying or contributing to food, so I've just been eating what's available and never, ever, cooking. But I meal-prepped! And I'm moving out in ~2 weeks which I am really excited about and I think I can keep making healthy food choices in appropriate quantities.

I don't really feel the need to post this anymore but I will anyway since I spent the time writing it. I got most of whatever bad feelings I had out of my system and I feel good about things again.