I've been meaning to pm you before because I've noticed in your posts that we seem to be in the same position with our SOs. After my last relapse, he didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. During this time, I started writing down stuff that I wanted to differently in my life and some things I was sorry for. I asked him to listen to me one day and I sat there and told him that I wasn't going to give him the same "I'm sorry" speech again because he'd heard it all. But I did tell him that in the past, I was sorry that I made us feel this way,.. Him, angry.. Me, shameful, guilty, etc.. And a big reason I was appologizing was to be able to put it in the past and get over it... Bury the pain and forget about it.. Pretty much how I used drinking.
So I told him that I was going to stop blaming everyone else for everything I didn't like in my life, I was sorry for draining his strength and constantly relying on him to be my strength too.. I told him that I started going to meetings and I'm learning a lot about myself.. Etc etc. So he listened... He talked and I listened... He doesn't really understand addiction but I'm not trying right now to explain it to him. I will someday but this is not the time. We have a daughter. And if it wasn't for her I am positive he would be gone. And I know there won't be a next time. Because the next time, this family will be completely broken. I know it will take a lot of time to repair the damage already done so I'm not forcing it.
I don't know the pain and betrayal I have put him through. The last night I drank, he said some really mean things. And it's because he really thought that stuff, at that moment. But right now, we are barely speaking. Everyday is a little better than the one before.. And it's enough contact to not make dd think anything is different. But there is no intimacy. No kissing, hugging, touching. And there are things I want to be angry at him about but I'm just trying to be as patient and as kind as possible. I'm not trying to win his love back... I'm trying to earn his trust. So I'm just not forcing it. It's getting better. Very very slowly. And it will take a long time for things to be good. But I understand that I really did a number on this relationship. So I can't be demanding about his forgiveness on my terms.
So anyway, this is the hardest part of my recovery. The "not drinking" part is easy for now. I'm very emotional and very lonely. But it won't be like this forever. Just like my drunken haze. I'm just trying to be strong, be very very patient and be kind. I don't know if you can use any of this in your situation but I thought I would share. I'm also reading "constructive living" by David Reynolds and that is really helping me manage my emotions and sensitivity and understand the very root of my addiction. Good luck turd. Open your heart, be patient, be kind, and find your inner strength.