(1) STOP TAILGATING ME WHEN I'M ALREADY IN THE RIGHTMOST LANE. THIS GOES DOUBLE FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH JESUS STICKERS. (2) SIGNAL WHEN YOU SWITCH LANES OR TURN, AND START SIGNALING MORE THAN 1 SECOND BEFORE YOU DO (3) IF I'M KEEPING 5 SECONDS' STOPPING DISTANCE BEHIND YOU I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO COME TO A COMPLETE STOP WHILE YOU TURN (4) IF IT'S DARK OR RAINY OUT, YOUR HEADLIGHTS SHOULD BE ON (5) IF IT'S FOGGY OR RAINING VERY HEAVILY, YOUR FOG LIGHTS SHOULD BE ON TOO. IF IT'S NOT EITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS, THEY SHOULDN'T BE. (6) IF YOUR WINDOWS ARE DOWN, FUCKING TURN YOUR STEREO'S VOLUME DOWN TOO. IF YOU BLAST YOUR RAP MUSIC OR YOUR HIPSTER ROCK AT ME I WILL ROLL DOWN MY WINDOWS AND BLAST POLYRYTHMIC SYNTH JAZZ AT YOU EVEN LOUDER. FUCK YOU. (7) IF IT'S AFTER 10PM OR BEFORE 7AM AND YOU'RE IN A RESIDENTIAL AREA, DON'T BLAST YOUR FUCKING STEREO EVEN WITH YOUR WINDOWS UP. (8) I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN TO GET AROUND IN A GAS GUZZLING FORD F350, QUIT REVVING YOUR ENGINE AT MY PRIUS. I'M NOT MAKING A FUCKING POLITICAL STATEMENT, I JUST WANTED A SMALL, SAFE, QUIET, RELIABLE CAR THAT GETS GOOD GAS MILEAGE. (9) IF YOU'RE SHARING A TABLE WITH ME AT A CROWDED FOOD CART POD, I DON'T NEED TO HEAR YOU TALK ENDLESSLY ABOUT HOW YOU CAN'T FINISH MORE THAN HALF YOUR FOOD AND YOU FEEL THE NEED TO IMMEDIATELY GET SOME EXERCISE. SOME OF US ARE THERE TO EAT OUR FEELINGS. (10) NO, A RESTAURANT THAT WILL CHARGE ME AN EXTRA $4 TO ADD FLAVORLESS BITS OF CHICKEN BREAST THAT WERE COOKED WITH NO MARINADE OR SPICES TO A BLAND $10 DISH OF QUINOA AND VEGETABLES IS NOT OMNIVORE FRIENDLY. FUCK YOU. (11) WHAT THE FUCK IS QUINOA ANYWAY? FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU! (12) IF IT'S POURING DOWN AND YOU'RE GOING MORE THAN 25 MPH OVER THE SPEED LIMIT, PLEASE STAY AT THE VERY LEFT OR AT LEAST QUIT FUCKING WEAVING. (13) NESTLE CAN HAVE THE WATER, THEY'RE BRINGING JOBS AND TAX MONEY TO OUR STATE, I LIKE NOT HAVING A SALES TAX. (14) FLUORIDE IS GOOD FOR YOU. SO ARE VACCINES. AND GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOODS ARE GENERALLY MODIFIED TO BE MORE RESISTANT TO DISEASES LIKE E COLI AND LISTERIA. FUCK YOU, YOU RAVING UNEDUCATED LUNATICS. (15) THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A GLUTEN SENSITIVITY. IF YOU DON'T HAVE CELIACS, WHAT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING IS JUST FLUCTUATIONS IN YOUR BLOOD SUGAR LEVEL. REDUCE YOUR CONSUMPTION OF CARBOHYDRATES OR SPREAD IT MORE EVENLY THROUGHOUT YOUR DAY. (16) THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A THAI TACO. TACOS ARE MEXICAN. WHAT YOU'RE SELLING ME IS WHITE PEOPLE FOOD. IT'S A FUCKING WRAP. CALL IT A WRAP. (17) GOD THIS TOWN IS SO FUCKING WHITE. ALL THE BEST ETHNIC FOOD IS ALONG 82ND AND MLK AND YA'ALL WON'T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT HOW THOSE ARE THE "BAD PARTS OF TOWN" WHILE ALSO CLAIMING YOU'RE NICE LIBERALS AND NOT SCARED LITTLE RACISTS. (18) FANCY LOOKING RESTAURANTS WHERE HALF THE MENU IS IN THE MOTHER LANGUAGE OF THE COUNTRY WHOSE FOOD IS SUPPOSEDLY BEING SERVED AND NO ENGLISH TRANSLATION IS PROVIDED ARE TRYING TOO HARD TO MARKET THEMSELVES TO PEOPLE WHO CALL THEMSELVES FOODIES. JUST CONCENTRATE ON MAKING GOOD FOOD, OKAY? (19) HAS (20) IT (21) FUCKING (22) STOPPED (23) RAINING (24) YET?!