The time I was falsely arrested for a felony. (I'll spare details of why for the sake of keeping this as short as possible, but my ex husband manipulated the cops into thinking I kidnapped my son.).

Angry, huge-ass steroid-pumped cop comes to my house to arrest me. I was 42 mother of 4, btw. Within a minute of me trying to explain and get help from the cop, "Click Click" push my head under the squad and off we go paraded down main street on the way to the sheriff's dept.

While in the car park at the station, cop gets out to talk to the other cops and leaves me in the squad.

I realize, I can scoot my ass between my arms and debated whether or not it would be worth it for my own humor to do it. So I did it. Then I panicked, so I got my arms back behind my back.

Cop comes and gets me, interrogates me. I refuse to cooperate with Barney Fucking Fife because they simply would not believe me that my kid was scared to death of his dad (suddenly) and I called CPS, lawyers, therapists, and his dad knew my son was fine but we were waiting for family therapy to sort this all out. And that my kid was at a friend's house because I was supposed to be at work that evening.).

My cell phone died and my fiance is in another country. My extended family lives 6 hours away. I can't remember a single phone number of anyone who can remotely help me. I was never read my miranda rights, btw.

Off the the showers. Yes - they make you take a cold-ass shower before they give you the orange jail clothes. I started stripping right in front of the mixed gender cops and they all ran out of the room telling me I was supposed to wait for them to leave. I stopped caring the second I was cuffed. I laughed for making them "uncomfortable" Fuck them.

I get my orange jail clothes on. I'm a size 4. These we big enough to fit a couple of bigguns from Walmart. I had to walk while holding up my pants.

They bring me to my cell, and the guy next to mine was peering out his window giving me the rapist-eyes.

The cops brought me in and out of my cell about 3 times. Each time I returned, the rapist guy next to me made gestures with his tongue and fingers.

Then, after a while I heard the age-old "bump. bumpbump. bump. bump." on the wall from rapist guy's cell.

I yelled out "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THIS ISN'T THE WILD WEST!"

It was getting late. Cops finally brought me in for finger printing. As I stood there, another inmate was mopping the floor. He took one look at me and his jaw dropped. He whispers, "What you in for?"

Again, I'm like, I had no idea these prison stereotypes were actually alive and well.

So, I lowered my voice, real, dark sounding tone, tilted my head downward and sideways towards him and said, "Felony kid napping. So don't FUCK with me." And then I laughed. I probably looked like a mad woman.

Honestly, at that point, I probably was.

So the newbie cop informs me that the laser finger printer machine is broken and she has to ink me.

She's fumbling, stammering, clearly has no idea how to do this.

So I go, "Look, honey, I was finger printed twice. Once because being a teacher, they require finger printing before getting your license. The other time was when I was on a field trip to a cop station and I volunteered to show the kids."

So IDK why they had to print me again, but I had to finger print myself for this stupid ass cop.

We laughed our heads off together at her stupidity.

Back to the cell, rapist guy does his usual gesture. I look right at him and tell him to fuck off.

Cop gets mad at me and throws me in my cell.

After a little while, the gravity of the situation hit me. I started to cry uncontrollably. Rapist guy calls out to me, "Don't worry honey! It's just jail."

I flipped my shit screaming at him that he might be ok fucking up his meth head life but I was being falsely incarcerated and "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

Silence after that.

Did you know that the jailers purposely awaken the prisoners every hour throughout the night as some sort of attempt to break you mentally? Loud clanking on the cell door. Constant slamming of heavy metal door in the hallway. Freezing cold cells with no blanket. Concrete bed with a flat rubber pillow.

Yeah, that.

First thing in the morning the next day (I think....there's no clocks in jail), I was released.

The DA had come to work, saw my case and immediately dismissed it.

Now, all of a sudden, all the cops are SUPER nice to me. Calling me ma'am, offering me kindness and empathy. I just looked at them and said, "Innocent until proven guilty. You just spent 18 hours treating me, an up standing citizen, mother of four, church-attending teacher the same was you treat rapists. You seriously need to evaluate if this is the kind of person you really are. I hope I keep you awake at night you piece of shit."

I grabbed my stuff and walked out.

Oh shit. I don't have a ride., My cell is still dead. I guess I can walk 5 miles home.

Then, in the government office beside the jail, I hear a pounding on the ground floor window from within.

It's a personal training client I helped lose 50 pound the year before. He's excited to see me and is saying hi and has no idea the ordeal I just went through.

I mouth the words, "I. JUST. Got out. of JAIL."

His jaw drops, he comes running out of his building and drives me home.

I filed to sue the sheriff dept for false imprisonment. My lawyer was working on it for a year and then he suddenly died.

I dropped it after that.

The end.