I don’t feel that I need help, but I think your general question is interesting.

TL;DR: I am afraid of being rejected because of my personality. This makes close relations to other people hard. Also I am ashamed of what I wrote, so please don’t read.

I never considered myself socially anxious. I mean, I interact with a lot of people and have enough people I appreciate that consider myself to be their friend (probably not close, but still).

My situation is that I don’t really relate to anyone on an emotionally level. A reoccurring situation is that someone opens their heart to me where I can literally feel their emotional trust in me, but unfortunately this doesn’t go in the other direction. Don’t get me wrong, I can react appropriately and from their side it probably looks fine. To understand the reason for my missing emotional connection a short explanation is necessary.

I feel my personality is a bit contradictory. I like being supportive and seeing people happy, but I also have an incredible toxic part. I guess usually you would expect me to follow up with a part where I condemn my toxic part and wish I could fix it, but the truth is I don’t. I feel it is part of who I am and it has its raison d'être, hence I also embrace it.

Now back on topic; I think I don’t have an emotional connection with other people, because I don’t open up to them. Depending on the person I can show one part, but whenever I try to open up more my brain shuts down and I fall back in my usual patterns (I guess this part is close to social anxiety). I assume this is the case because I am simply afraid of rejection. Just writing this gives me trouble.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my life. I can open up to my friends to a certain extent that I am comfortable, enough that I can still genuinely enjoy their presence. I notice it the most (or at all to be honest) when I try to find someone for a relationship. Then the internal conflict arises, on one side being myself and getting rejected, and on the other side putting up a façade and maybe having success (I write maybe, because I always stopped at some point).