Dear whoever stole my Amazon package today...

You just complained, conveying a message to an entire planet of strangers in the blink of an eye, about someone stealing the paper that you use to wipe your shitty ass and then throw away. This paper was probably manufactured halfway around the world and then shipped to your door a single day after you ordered it.

We truly live in the future.

And the funny thing is that nobody cares. Seriously, look at how downvoted this thread is. I'm more disappointed at you for wasting everyone's time with something so inconsequential. You had your TP stolen. Okay. Well, it sucks for you, but I don't know you. You are a stranger wishing a horrible death on another stranger because he stole your toilet paper. This story literally has nothing of interest to strangers, except possibly the comedy of visualizing a thief who expected some expensive computer and instead got 48 rolls of butt paper. Hell, if you were my best friend in the whole world, I would be struggling to fake interest in your stolen toilet paper story and then would say something like, "Yeah, but Amazon will give you your money back." And you'll say, "Well obviously, but I was bla bla bla [half-assed words to make it seem like your situation is actually worse than it is]."

See, you're competing with an entire internet full of worse stories. The story of "My Shitty Ass-Paper Was Stolen and I Think This Warrants the Attention of Complete Strangers" competes directly with the story about thousands getting massacred by Boko Haram. Your rage is a hilariously improportional response when paired to the words of people reacting to Boko Haram as they shrug and say, "Well, what can we do about that? It's halfway around the world." Ironically, probably occurring right outside the butt paper, dog shit bags, and socks factories.

Of all the things in your life that one might complain about on the internet, this is the one you choose? Holy shit, then your life is fucking awesome! You have an amazing existence. Congratulations on an inconsequential event being the worst thing to happen to you in recent history. Since Amazon will pay for it, you've literally only been mildly inconvenienced, and yet in your mind this rates shouting to the internet with blind fury, outrage, and death-wishing. Please reflect on how little this stolen TP actually matters, not just to all of us, but to you, yourself. I'm guessing that it doesn't actually matter very much when you think about it. I'm guessing that you don't actually want someone to die because they stole your disposable ass-paper that you will be reimbursed for, because that would say more about you than anything else. I'm guessing that you wouldn't have even noticed if the package was late rather than stolen, because that's how little it actually matters.

This is not something worthy of being upset about, but merely a tiny blotch of irregularity in your life. Like a beauty mark on a gorgeous face, it serves only to prompt you to reflect on how truly great you have it. Your life is so grand that stolen toilet paper is the most newsworthy thing to happen to you in months.

And if you do, really, want someone to have bone cancer because of that, then please add an element of charity in your life so that when such problems do arise, you can shrug them off and say, "Relative to all the hardships I now know of, that's not actually that important at all."

/r/Seattle Thread