I'm not going to say that I know how you are feeling, but I used to think about suicide almost every day a little over a year ago. Suicide seemed like a "get out of jail free" card that I could play at any time if I didn't want to deal with life's problems any more. So whenever things got tough I would just think, it's okay, I can always just kill myself, and I would think about all the different ways I could do it. The problem with this is that my problems would just keep adding up and I become more and more suicidal since I was no longer afraid of the consequences.

At some point during finals week I broke down, called my friend and told him I was going to kill myself. Since I always kept my emotions pent up, he had no idea that I felt this way, and as it turned out neither did my parents. I went through some different types of therapy but nothing really helps if you still have a bad outlook on life. I'm on some anti depression medication now and I've changed how I handle my problems. In the beginning it was hard to face all the problems that I had been neglecting, it still is, but I feel much better struggling to overcome these problems than struggling to avoid them. I used to hate myself so much, but I found that accepting the past and letting go of all of the regret has helped me move forward in life.

I cried when I saw my father choke up for the first time in my life at a family member's funeral last year. She died from lung cancer and it hurt my father this badly, thinking about all the pain I would have caused my family if I had chosen to kill myself reassures me that pushing forward was the right thing to do.

Whatever you do, I hope that before you think it's over you seek some help and let your friends and family know how you feel. When you hate yourself and the world as much as I did it is easy to forget that there are people out there who care about you and would do anything to help, even if you might not realize it. Don't let it be a surprise to your family and friends that you feel the way you do when it is already too late to help. It isn't just you against the world. So talk to a friend, talk to your family, even talk to me if you need to.