I'm an 18 year who is physically a male with only one other soul knowing my secret cause I know my friends wouldn't accept me for who I am and just tell me I'm not what I think and I need to reconsider.
Since the day I was 10 and stumbled upon my first pornographic video, I've been confused on my gender.
Nothing about over sexualizing women, there was just something about seeing a woman in such a raw state made this unspoken connection with me that I assume anyone feels when they connect to the sexuality and gender they define with.
Despite everyday before that being raised to be attracted to girls with things like 'Girls are going to be all over you one day' and millions more similar phrases; I always since sight on that day felt like I was a woman. Nothing spoken, nothing even sexual, something just felt so right so... me when I saw another woman.
All my friends would and still do pick on me and call me gay mockingly for being sensitive and rational and call me feminizing names that they play off as 'light insults' which might be fun if you assume no one is silently hurt by what you said but it REALLY shows today how society or some people really aren't as accepting as they think they are, they're just as accepting as they think they need to be.
They literally today mocked a transgendered person, said "This is literally why I can't fuck with this kid. Yo you know who I could see doing that gay shit too? darknight437!" I know they're kidding but what pisses me off sorta is that they aren't kidding about putting alternative sexualities down, they're saying they're kidding and say things like "nah darknight, don't worry we know you're straight" and REALLY are convinced they know me so well and like try to give me life advice all the time and tell me who I am and it kinda just makes me feel like an asshole cause they're just treating me as what I act like and its not like they're as omnipotent as they rap about and actually know I'm trans or whatever. Idk, I brushed it off as we were making some music anyway and I was staying focused cause I gotta stay focused on what's important but on second reflection idrk how I feel that they people who to my face tell me they love me on a daily basis are so homophobic and unknowingly love a person who belongs to a group of people they mock and call gross.
Basically this interaction sums up my life; I play the role my body has allowed me and if one day im fortunate to work hard enough for money maybe one day I can go through a transition but I gave up on that a long time ago which is freeing but equally a trapping feeling as well. Being trans or gender confused or whatever is draining.
You feel like you're constantly lying to everyone if you're in the closet including yourself because you can't be the person you truly WANT to be and guilty because you aren't grateful for what you have. I feel like no one really gets me but the one person I told which is my now ex gf who probably isn't the best match for me but is literally the only person I've ever to not judge anyone for sexuality based things (yeah ik people around me must suck and I gotta not let their shitty ideas define how I think all people think and it doesn't but I'm talking to prove that others have to feel feel more isolated than me cause it took me a while to come to this conclusion). On a daily basis I'm unknowingly mocked, insulted, and kinda mentally isolated by my loved ones and peers and I'm good but I understand how others in my situation might react differently and might not be too okay with playing their role.
The way I like to see it; life is a gift no one was given any choices in and I'm given all the blessings anyone else was given so I can't be too sad like I'm not the sex I want but at least I can walk around and do basic human shit and do anything I would want outside of that too.
Idk it's been hard but it's been a long road of acceptance and I hope everyone can come to finding that life just is what it is and you can find the happiness.
Anyway it's late and I've done hella work today, but if you or anyone else has any questions on what being trans/gender confused is like that I can actually cover in not such a general 'I'm too lazy to type all my feelings' ass reply, def shoot; I hope my post sheds some light on