Hi! As the headline say: I am depressed and feel stuck. If anyone would take their time and read I would really appreciate it. I am 38 years old, started to question my upbringing and parents as I met my current partner 16 years ago.
At first I refused to acknowledge anything bad in my parents behavior, even when my partner tried to point it it. But after a while I couldn’t deny there was something of with how my relationship with my family was, and specially my father. I have been my fathers golden child and my mother’s scapegoat since I was born, until I met my partner 16 years ago and my father suddenly attacked me with degrading and shaming words, because of my choice of boyfriend.
It is fair to say that it was an unusual choice - my partner is 20 years older than me. But the behavior from my father stood in no proportion to that - my father shamed me and belittled me, calling me names and throwing me out of a car. I was devastated, because of the lack of connection and love from my mother, my father has been my main attachment figure and now he was rejecting me .
My fathers turn from adoring me to being extremely mean sent my into a depression and I was suffering a lot. At the same time my mother, 59 years old at that time, got sick in Alzheimer’s and I became one of her main caretakers. She suffered for severe psychiatric symptoms and even psychosis- it was a horrible time and she died a couple of years ago, being sick in Alzheimer’s for almost 10 years. It also stood quite quite clear after my fathers behavior and looking into my enmeshment with him, in therapy, that he has BDP.
During this time my partner has been of great support and this is our 16th year together. He is a great man and I find him attractive. However it has also been hard, moving in to him as I was 23 years old, taking care of his children and being SUPER grown up and responsible wherever I went. Soon I started to envy his children ( not a very flattering trait) because of their secure attachment and freedom to live their lives as they wanted. Even though I was in desperate need for protection and support, which my 20 years my senior-partner gave me, I also just longed to be a “normal” and “irresponsible” 20-something with my own apartment, going to parties, etc etc I might sound spoiled, but my dream was never to start a family that early, to live out in the countryside, preparing dinners and hosting dinner parties in our house. I have always been more of a non-material adventurous girl, never longing for children, 9-5, job dog and house.
This longing has never left me. And I can’t seem to let it go. I am terribly jealous of younger people “living their life” - and I feel stuck with my partner. Don’t misunderstand me- he is a loving, generous man and he is also taking care of himself, I find him attractive. But I long for freedom - and pursuing my career by going abroad. However 3 years ago i got the opportunty to go abroad - I moved to another country for a 5 month internship. During this time I didnt miss my partner very much, BUT I was obsessing over breaking up with him. Something I felt I needed but couldnt find the courage to. After 5 months I went home and nothing had changed, I had made NO choice at all - not a choice to be with him - not a choice to end the relationship - I just went home and contiuned our relationship. Today I would say I "capitulated" to the strong inability to make a choice.
At 38 I am at the age where the question of having children must be addressed, and I have taken steps to start IVF ( I have endometriosis) but I feel SO SCARED that being a mom will be a step further down the “Boring and responsible road”. I am actually also scared of being jealous of my own child ( and what I perceive as their endless freedom). My mom used to envy me. So being in this depressed state - where trying to have Children realt scares me, I am felling lost, helpless and stuck.
My therapist claims that my behaviour has to do with insecure attachment, and I do agree that it has been very insecure. However, what if my behavioir is mimicing the engulfment I felt with my father? I have felt like my fathers mother all my life. That I just cant tend to my own interest and dreams when I am with my "attachment figure" and that the only choice I have is to obey and support?
I feel very alone, misunderstood and weird. I am very unhappy, however I dont know who and what to trust? Is my ambivalence in my relationship (finding my partner good and attractive and at the same time very strongly wanting out) a result of my insecure attachment and not worth acting on - or - is my problem actually a prolonging of my twisted codependent relationship with my father?
Anyone who recogninze this ambivalence? Or have any other advice?
Sorry for messy text.