Ah, maybe when I hit 14/15.

I had a rough start on my home life. There was just a lot of shit I had to deal with that, you know, adolescences shouldn't have the obligation to. So whenever I talk about childhood, I just pretty much tell people "Ah, I grew up too fast." Because it's true, for the most part. That's behind me now, and a story of itself. As for the depression, I wasn't really aware of it... until I realized that I just felt a certain way every day, everywhere I went, and that that feeling wasn't necessarily "normal." I had a really early existentialistic crisis. I would have probably identified as a nihilist out of pure angst. But I felt I had no purpose, no meaning. Knowledge was meaningless, morality was meaningless. I wasn't brought up religious, and so I never entertained possible meaning that could come from that. I've also just always been negative, too. Mental blame. Simple stuff that snow balls - messed up on a test? It's not "oh, that sucks... what did I do wrong?" It was "yea im fucking surprised that I fucked up, yet again." I was worried that I never had any talents, and never really accelerated at stuff. I didn't have a "thing." I was lonely. I was just that weird kid. All of these problems pretty much just hit like waves, and I was much, much too mentally immature to be able to properly handle any of them. I gave off signs of it at times, but i've always denied being depressed. I don't know why. Fear of judgement? Weakness?

I had thoughts of suicide. Constantly. But it's funny, because for some reason, I had some glimmer of hope. It was essentially based on a bet: if I fuck up in the future, then well, i'll just off myself. If something just... happens, something I can cling onto and work with, then i'll take it and never look back.

I obviously never killed myself. My mind, figuratively, I feel, has been permanently shaped by this... 7+ year lapse. I still have suicidal thoughts, morbid thoughts. Not that I will ever do such a thing, now. But that kind of stuff is almost comforting. I can find humor in any of these things, now, and just laugh some shit off. It's defined who I am, as a person. Not that I admit it. But it's a path that I went down and, for the most part, survived. I don't really feel depressed, or crushed, or like offing myself anymore. I just feel neutral. I've preoccupied myself with things, things that poke my mind; i've always loved academics, and so it turns out I have a bit of a natural inclination towards them. I have a girlfriend, and a couple of really good friends. I have a car and a job, and i've learned that, either for one reason or another, I have a set of personality traits that people seem to enjoy. So I use that a lot. We aren't quite at a happy ending, but it's better than being in the ground.