Depressed Virgin

Okay you sound like my younger self! For context, I'm 25 and still in the same position as you, but I've gone through this a couple of times.

I know this doesn't address your current problem, but I fear that this one incident could lead to years of insecurities for you because it happened to me. If you will, this is a letter I wish I could send to my 21 year old self in the hopes that I could make their life better.

I don't really have a solution for you because I haven't figured it out myself. But I want to urge you to not let this get you down. I did (and still do) and it affects me adversely and now it's a cycle of me being scared, and guys rejecting me for it which makes me even more scared and so on. It's a terrible place to be in mentally and I'm miserable for it.

You're younger, and still have a chance at being a happier 25 year old than I am. I'm trying to save you years of being at a standstill because you're petrified, defeated and don't think that things could get better. I'm the same person with the same problems 4 years later because I didn't do anything about it. If I could go back to being 21, there are so many things I wish I could've improved about myself and maybe right now I'd be in a fantastic relationship with a guy. You're 21 now, so make your changes and be the kind of girl other people want to be with.

People want to be with other people who can offer them something, so give them something to offer other than your vagina. Give them a reason to wait through your sexual hang ups (and your hang ups aren't your fault! Don't be ashamed of it), it could be that you're hilarious to be around or you raise their social status somehow. It could be anything. This sounds a bit harsh, but I used to (mistakenly) think that all guys wanted was sex and because it was the one thing I was reluctant to give up, that made me worthless in their eyes. That snowballed from 'worthless to boys' to 'worthless in general'.

Find an identity (that makes you happy) outside of being a virgin, and you won't feel like you need to give it up to have some kind of worth in another person's eyes. I know exactly the guilt you feel, and I know that "he'll stop talking to me when I don't put out" is always on your mind to the point you can't chill the way you do with platonic friends. I got so hung up about being a Virgin, that I didn't even want to grow as a Talented Artist and Cool Girl.

So take a few days and feel as miserable as you want. Stuff your face, lock yourself in a room with sad music but emerge feeling happy you've made it through this tribulation. I know 'be happy' sounds like too simplistic an advice, but I spent years waiting to be made happy when I could've have just done it myself. Happiness is a choice, and I hope it's one you make for yourself no matter how difficult it is. It'll seep into other aspects of your life, the same way misery did mine.

I might have rambled on a bit, but I hope this stays relevant to you. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me!

/r/offmychest Thread