Damn - I entered this sub just to post exactly what you did, and it's top listing.

I've always been depressed for as long as I can remember...Drawing suicide pictures at age 11 and shit like that....

I've had some really high highs, but mostly super super low lows in life, but about 12 years ago (I'm 43) things just collapsed...

I held on for as long as I could, putting on the "game face", staying healthy and fit, exercising, and still going out into the world. But from about 4 years ago I just ran out of hope. I just sit on the sofa or lie in bed with the TV on and I stare at the wall next to it for 8 10 12 hours a day not even aware of what's on TV. This-pic.jpg) is basically what I have turned into.

I have no joy, no ambition, no hope, I've begun to put on some serious weight (about 25 pounds) which makes me feel worse too. Some majorly heavy events in my life finally pushed me over the edge (ex-girlfriend made up story that I got her pregnant and she had an abortion, and then dragged me though the shit daily for 5 solid months of horror, lived 8 years in a place where I was universally hated, sunk entire life savings into business that I rocked, but was destroyed due to competitor sabotage and island mentality). I've never been the same since...Just locked up in my little space, watching stupid vieos on Liveleak and Reddit...Pretty much spending my whole life with 30 second videos of people freaking out in McDonalds and shit...

My friends have also stopped calling and inviting me to do things too. Part of me wants to do things, but a bigger part of me just says "Ehh what do you need to go and do that for? Just stay here."

It sucks...I wish I could find my way out too. I just can't.